Eisenstern 3.5
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“Hey kiddo, how are you holding up?”
I felt like that was a relatively unfair question. Then, mom probably knew better than most that I hadn’t really been thinking about much of anything since Cassie’s blood ended up all over the place. It was a relatively traumatic experience to begin with. And, of course, that was my wife. It hits a little different when it’s your wife.
Cassandra recovered okay. Mostly I didn’t let her stand up and move around for anything, constantly getting whatever-it-is for her instead. Ivander’s too young to know there was anything weird going on, and moms jumped in whenever I needed them to help. (They’re parenting goddesses by now.)
“I’m still upright, at least,” I said quietly.
“You’re not still worried about it, are you?” mom asked. She looked a little affronted.
I shook my head. “Worrying doesn’t make any sense,” I said. “Won’t change anything. Mostly I’m just trying to deal with the event itself now, and… I don’t know, raising a baby’s harder than I thought it’d be I guess.”
Mom laughed. “You know, you and your sister were little angels,” she said. “Well, she cried a lot whenever I so much as thought about leaving her alone too long. You, you aged up into toddler and the first thing you did was start screaming because you were hungry. Glad you’ve learned to use your words.”
I snorted.
“Sometimes things in life get hard,” mom went on. “Sometimes life deals us a hand we don’t know that we can manage. But you’ve always been a smart boy. You’ll figure this out too.” She paused a moment, and then smiled. “And uh, birth control is a thing.”
Yep… that’s true. And it’s looking like that might be our only option. Either that, or one of us needs to stop making kids.
“I never got the chance to say it, so, thank you,” I said, sitting down next to Hilda.
She turned to look at me with this most befuddled expression. “And why are we thanking me?” she asked.
“You know, the situation with Cassie,” I said. “I wouldn’t have ever known what to do, so I’m glad one of us did.”
“Oh, that,” she said. “I guess that did happen. I figure you’d have done the same thing for me, right? Nothing to it.”
Well, one would figure I would. But given I didn’t even know it was a thing to be concerned about happening, when it was the woman I married, I’m not so certain I’d know if it was my sister, either. That’s a scary thought.
“I think the hardest part is, the thing I’m having so much trouble dealing with is, how helpless I feel thinking back on it,” I said.
“You’re not doing something hyper inky and blaming yourself major for this are you?” she asked.
… hyper inky? Never mind. “No,” I said, though I’m sure the look on my face was interesting. “It’s just that, I guess it made it hard to ignore that there are things you can’t necessarily plan for. Things that just happen and don’t ask for permission first, and sometimes you can’t even do anything about it in the moment, or after. It feels… weirdly helpless.”
Hilda raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, that’s a thing,” she said. “But you know Gabe, there’s no sense in trying to go backwards. Going forwards is hard enough.”
Yeah. I just hated that feeling.
“Hey,” Hilda said, shifting slightly and bumping her shoulder into mine. “Don’t dwell on it too much. Just do the best you can in any given moment.”
Hilda decided she wanted to move in with Austin.
I’m sort of upset about it. But she does really seem to like Austin, and he’s not a bad guy. (Not my type, but, he doesn’t have to be.) As long as Hilda’s happy, that’s what matters. And, even if Ivander can’t have siblings, maybe he’ll get cousins. Hilda may have kids of her own someday.
The house is getting a little crowded, I guess… we took some pictures together, first. She’s staying a couple more days and then going, but it occurred to me the only photo we’ve got together was when I was still a kid and Hilda was in diapers.
Sad.
Recently, she’d picked up knitting, and it was kind of neat. Not really my thing I think, but it was fun watching her do it. She tells me I’m creative too, if I bother to try channelling it into something besides food, but what can I say, I love food.
I think it started back when I was a kid. Coming home to mom cooking in the kitchen was an oddly warm, homey thing. Like, I smell ramen. I’m home.
Grandfather came by. Kind of late, but I hear he used to be a vampire, so maybe that’s why. We talked a bit, and he asked about Cassie. I don’t remember if he got the chance to meet Ivander before he left, but I don’t think so.
It was nice to see him.
And I got lucky, and he offered to help fix the dishwasher. He’s better at fixing things than I am. Sure, I can fix things, and usually quite well, but grandfather has a weird way with electronics and plumbing that I’m not so sure I’ll ever have. Maybe when I’m a grandpa (that’s a weird thought).
I could’ve fixed it, but I honestly didn’t feel like it. Yeah, my bad. At least grandfather was nice enough to help out, but he usually does, without anyone asking. Sometimes, I wonder how he and grandpa can be as old as they are and still this nice. Well, maybe it’s just because we’re their grandchildren. Who knows?
Diaval’s been a very welcome companion these days. He seems to know something went wrong, because he’s been hanging around me and Cassandra more than usual. Not that I mind this. As weird as it sounds, it gives me a little bit of comfort to know that he’s there, not just around me, but her too.
She’s about ready to move around and go back to life as usual again. I’m looking forward to it.
Hilda packed up and finally moved out.
The house feels a little emptier for her absence. Her soy plant, which she got for the wax production so she could make candles, finally reached perfect quality. I got excited about it and went to go tell her, but, she wasn’t there.
She lives right across the street, I know that. It’s just, too far. Or maybe I feel like I can’t hold onto anything right now.
Our family’s too big to live in one place, I know that. But there are times when I wish I could keep them all a little closer. And there are times when I wish things didn’t have to change so much so often. But that’s a part of living and growing up I guess. I wasn’t quite ready for that reality.
Aunt Bryn went grey. Time moves on.
Cassandra managed to get the honour of giving Ivander his first bath. I was happy to see that (also, glad I didn’t get soaked HA). She was looking forward to showing him the rubber duck and teaching him about bubbles, so I’m glad she incidentally got first dibs.
I’m not okay, just yet. Still processing and acclimating to the idea that some challenges I won’t see coming and can’t stop. That I can’t save my family from everything. But, I’m getting there. We’re small, but we’re still together.
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