Chapter 75: And You Play Your Game

You Give Love a Bad Name; Bon Jovi

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They were, of course, avoiding each other.

Caleb wasn’t surprised by this, considering how things had ended the last time they’d spoken. He was still somewhat disappointed by it. Or maybe that wasn’t the right word. Now, there seemed to be a lot of unspoken things between them, things that one or the other of them, or perhaps both, had no idea how to address, how to word. Morgyn got that look in those green eyes, and Caleb knew there was a lot behind them that the sage didn’t know how to say.

And it hurt, every time they came across one another now. One would look at the other, and for a moment they’d just stare at each other for several minutes, and Caleb would be fighting the urge to move over there and pull the idiot into his arms and make everything right again. But things weren’t that simple between them, and even Caleb knew that. And then, as fast as the moment came, it was gone, and one or the other would walk away.

They couldn’t go on like this. Something had to give, and Caleb wasn’t sure what would be first. He’d made a few mistakes along the way here, the same as Morgyn had. The state of their relationship, it wasn’t one or the other’s fault, it took two to get them to this point. And, he knew, if they didn’t talk about it, nothing would ever change. There was a strange sense of attraction to that idea. As long as they didn’t talk about it, things wouldn’t get any worse. Then, neither would they get any better.

Of course, Morgyn wouldn’t hold still long enough to have a conversation, and it was probably a mere side effect of Morgyn having too much to deal with and deciding that Caleb and their relationship complexities weren’t that high on the list of priorities. In Morgyn’s shoes, Caleb would probably do the same thing. Ezio certainly needed Morgyn to not be a blubbering mess right now, and the sage had more pressing things to worry about, like the future of the spellcaster race, which rested almost solely in Morgyn’s hands (gods rest everyone’s souls or whatever), and the baby.

It was… probably a little unkind to ask after the baby’s paternity right now, of all times. Still, the question had come out. It wasn’t like it was more important to him, it was just the first thing that’d come to mind. Whatever damage that’d caused had been done, and there wasn’t any turning back now. If Morgyn never forgave him for that, maybe that was just something Caleb would have to deal with.

Caleb just still seemed to be awfully angry at Morgyn, and by now, the vampire had completely lost track of why. They talked, things started out okay, and somewhere along the way, Caleb was angry with the sage almost out of nowhere. He’d spent a long time trying to figure out where it was coming from, but then, what else would it be? Had to be Liberty. She just showed up one day and suddenly seemed to know Morgyn better than Caleb ever did in a few short months, where Caleb had known Morgyn for centuries. There were potential logical reasons for that, sure. Caleb wasn’t really thinking logically.

Mostly, Liberty avoided him. He kind of avoided her right back. It was easier than incidentally ending up in an argument about nothing. Caleb and Morgyn sure got into more than enough arguments to last everyone maybe a few lifetimes.

He needed to just suck up his pride, and talk things out with Morgyn. Preferably without one or the other of them getting frustrated or upset and walking away, but the thing with that was, Caleb knew he couldn’t make Morgyn stay, and trying to anyway, pushing the issue, it was very disrespectful of Morgyn’s boundaries. That was probably why Morgyn didn’t do it to him, either. Maybe he could control the anger long enough to figure out where it stemmed from. To have this conversation about one Liberty Lee that he didn’t want to have.

He loved Morgyn. Caleb believed that, he always had. And then maybe in loving Morgyn, he also had to realise he may not be the right person for Morgyn.

Caleb remembered all the flowers Morgyn had ever said were the sage’s favourites (quite a number over the years), or at least mentioned as being a flower that the sage liked. Ezio used to say that if Caleb wanted to catch Morgyn, and keep Morgyn, he had to continue to do the things that he’d done to catch Morgyn in the first place. This was made slightly complex by the fact Caleb had no idea how he’d caught Morgyn, except apparently Morgyn had repressed feelings for Caleb too.

He’d chosen a small arrangement of some of those favourite flowers. As Caleb paced anxiously back and forth in the hospital hallway, he kept compulsively rearranging the flowers, making them perfect. Except, what constituted perfect in this instance seemed to change every ten seconds. Caleb didn’t want to lose Morgyn. The more he thought about the possibility, though it seemed, at first, like the only potential outcome, and he’d tried to start accepting it, the more terrifying it became. What was a life that didn’t have Morgyn in it? Maybe Morgyn wasn’t Lilith, but the ginger had begun to mean just about as much.

He just hoped that Morgyn wanted him as much as he wanted Morgyn, and it wasn’t too late.

Morgyn was visiting Ezio right now. Caleb didn’t want to interrupt, and besides, he still needed a little more time in his mind to figure out what to say. It was difficult to sort out what was in his own head, and the more they worked this out, talked about it, the less Caleb understood what was even going on in his brainspace. It was just anger that made it out. If he didn’t know better, he’d start wondering if he was back on drugs, eesh.

As he paced, Caleb ran over ideas in his head, thinking about what he could say that hopefully wouldn’t end in either of them getting upset and walking away. It was hard to tell what Morgyn would be upset by- that person was chaos personified sometimes- but strangely, it was getting to be even harder to figure out what Caleb himself would be upset by. And then, the thought occurred to him that maybe they needed to get upset. Maybe they needed to, in order to feel the things that hurt, and not be able to run from them anymore.

Caleb wasn’t sure this would work. He wasn’t sure if they would work.

He heard the door open. Caleb paused in his pacing, turning over his shoulder. Morgyn looked back at him, and there was that moment again, when their eyes met and so many unspoken things whispered unheard into the silence. Morgyn looked away first, eyes casting to the floor, and went to move around him.

“Morgyn wait, please,” Caleb said in a rush, turning around as Morgyn passed him. “Please, we need to talk.”

Morgyn stopped, turning back towards him, one eyebrow raising. Caleb thought that was fear that flashed in those green eyes, but he could be imagining it. “Okay,” Morgyn said, tone smooth as silk. “What about?”

“You,” Caleb answered. “Me. Us.”

“Is there still an us to talk about?” Morgyn asked, tone flat.

“I like to think there is,” Caleb said. “I like to hope there is.” He held the flowers in his hand out. “I got these for you. It’s been a while, since I’ve asked about your favourite flowers. So, I hope you don’t hate these now.” Tastes changed, after a while.

Morgyn was quiet, glancing down, reaching over and taking the flowers. One hand gently stroked the petals. “I don’t,” Morgyn said, but didn’t look back up at Caleb. “If you want to talk, I’ll listen.”

“Thank you,” Caleb said. And he meant it. “But we should probably not talk here.”

“I guess not,” Morgyn answered. Then, the ginger took a breath in, and glanced up at Caleb. “There’s still some things to move from Spire, if…”

“Yeah,” Caleb said quietly. “That sounds good.”

* * *

Spire was strange, now that most of it was gone. A good amount of the furniture had been sold off, though there remained some of it that they had kept. Boxes were still stacked neatly and set off to the side to be moved to the new house. Morgyn hardly remembered what went where, but supposed that it didn’t terribly matter. What the sage did remember was that some of the things in the kitchen still needed to be packed up.

Morgyn didn’t care. The ginger wasn’t terribly interested in thinking about the move just yet. It was easier to take things one step at a time, but Ezio would be released soon, and if Morgyn ignored this too long it’d go ahead and happen without the sage. Morgyn had spent too long missing Ezio’s life.

As soon as the sage walked in, Caleb right behind, Morgyn took a breath in, wordlessly turned the lights on and headed into the kitchen. In a short few minutes, the ginger was packing things neatly into boxes, gently wrapping the delicate things in paper. Caleb hovered in the doorway slightly awkwardly. Morgyn didn’t want to deal with him any more than the sage wanted to deal with Spire, but maybe he was right, and they did need to talk. Morgyn would just much rather focus on Ezio right now than their failing relationship. And whose fault was that, anyway? Probably Morgyn’s. The idiot couldn’t do anything right anymore, it’d seem.

It was quiet for several more minutes. Caleb didn’t seem to be able to figure out where to start, or if he even should. Morgyn gently set a wrapped dish on top of another one, and then looked up at Caleb. Maybe throwing him a rope would work here. Morgyn may not want to have this conversation whatsoever, but was at least willing to admit and accept that they did need to.

“So,” Morgyn started, “you wanted to talk?”

“Yeah,” Caleb answered. “I’m just not sure where to start, really.”

“Neither am I,” Morgyn admitted. “Every time we talk, I just get overwhelmed and decide that maybe it’s best not to talk about it at all. I say enough stupid things without being frazzled, too.”

“Why is it so overwhelming?” Caleb asked.

“I don’t know,” Morgyn said, shrugging a shoulder and packing away another wrapped plate. “Everything’s overwhelming right now. I guess it’s normal. You’re someone that matters to me, and I don’t want to make this any worse. Then I do, because I’m afraid of making it worse.”

“I wouldn’t have figured you were afraid of anything,” Caleb said.

“Yeah, wouldn’t that be nice?” Morgyn asked, glancing over at him with a smile. “Everyone’s afraid of something. And I don’t make the best choices or say the best things when I’m scared.”

Caleb was quiet for a long moment. He did that when he was thinking, so, Morgyn didn’t think much of it, wrapping another plate in paper, and then setting it in the box with likely more care than the ginger had done anything in a long time.

Nothing was said, as Caleb crossed the kitchen, hands wrapping around Morgyn’s as they let go of the dish. Morgyn’s breathing hitched for a moment, and then evened out. It was just Caleb. Morgyn had never felt threatened by Caleb before. But then, Caleb had never incidentally trapped the ginger this way, either.

“That was a bad idea, wasn’t it?” Caleb asked quietly.

“It’s fine,” Morgyn said. The sage had to learn to get over this sooner or later. What time Morgyn had wasted so far on this was already too much.

“No it’s not,” Caleb answered, tone still quiet and soft, and then let go and backed away.

“No, damn it,” Morgyn said, softer, turning around and taking Caleb’s hands. “Caleb no, I don’t want anything to change because of-“

“Morgyn, everything changed,” Caleb answered, gaze softening.

Yeah. Maybe so. Caleb didn’t have to say it. Morgyn’s gaze flicked to the side, towards the floor. “I don’t want to talk about that right now,” the sage said.

“Okay,” Caleb replied. “Morgyn, I-” he paused, thinking for several seconds. “What do you feel for me, anyway? Is it the same? Did something change?”

Surprise flickered across Morgyn’s face, and then it fell back behind placid thoughtfulness. Not really? Maybe something did change. Maybe Morgyn started seeing him differently, but he wouldn’t know that unless Morgyn said it, and Morgyn wasn’t so good at sharing the ginger’s feelings, or recognising them sometimes.

That wasn’t necessarily Caleb’s to deal with, and Morgyn never asked him to. Or maybe the sage did, in trying not to. Why was everything so complicated?

“I don’t know,” Morgyn said quietly. “I still consider you my best friend, you know. Not that it feels correct anymore. I threw everything into you, you know? I wanted to build something that was going to last. We’d already proven we could get along, and I wanted to love you.”

“And you don’t?” Caleb asked.

“I don’t think that’s it,” Morgyn answered, head shaking slightly. “It’s just that things are confusing right now. And you’re one of the things that’s confusing. I wanted something real, more than we had already built, and then you up and changed your mind about us, decided you weren’t sure how you felt anymore. I tried not to take that personally, I know things get difficult, but how else was I meant to take it?” Morgyn couldn’t think of too many other ways.

“I’m just still not entirely sure how to deal with… you know, your job,” Caleb said.

Morgyn snorted. “That’s just it,” Morgyn said. “I stopped, Caleb, when we started dating. You should’ve been able to scent that or something.”

“I was trying not to pay attention to it, actually,” Caleb said.

That was logical. Morgyn’s head shook again. “Even without that, it’s just weird to suddenly have a problem with it,” Morgyn said. “I’d been a prostitute the entire time you knew me. It wasn’t even relevant. And it feels like you’re upset about Liberty because suddenly now you think I can’t control myself or something.”

“You can’t tell me there’s nothing there at all,” Caleb said. “I know you better than that.”

“I didn’t intend to,” Morgyn said. “I try not to lie to you, so, sure, yes, I love her a good deal. But I don’t love her like I love you. She didn’t put this ring on my finger, Caleb. Yes, I’ve been tempted. I’ve made a few too many steps a direction I shouldn’t have. But you’re the one I’m marrying, not her. And I don’t feel like it’s fair for me to keep explaining this to you over and over again, because what, because I was a whore once? As if that makes me any more or less likely to cheat on you than anyone else.”

“She just makes me feel less important,” Caleb said. “When she’s around, it’s like everyone else disappears. I’ve seen how you two are together.”

“And?” Morgyn asked. “Nothing’s come of it. Look, I’ve had plenty of chances to run and I’m still here. That has to count for something. I’m still here, having this conversation with you, instead of riding off into the sunset with her, so can we just admit that you don’t have any faith in me and move on now?”

“That’s not true,” Caleb argued.

“Isn’t it?” Morgyn asked. “I mean I know I’m not exactly a paragon of virtue, but I do have a few redeeming qualities. I’m mature enough to control what I do, I’m not some kind of rabid animal. And maybe I mess up a lot, but it’s not on purpose! I’m not trying to hurt anyone, Caleb, I’m just trying to do the right thing!”

“You are unbelievably impulsive, to be fair,” Caleb said.

“Great,” Morgyn said. “Glad we got that out of the way.”

“No, wait, that’s not what I meant-“

Morgyn pulled away from him, moving around him instead. Caleb turned, one hand raising to run through his hair.

“Damn it, we’re doing it again,” Caleb said.

“That shouldn’t be surprising,” Morgyn answered, returning to wrapping the dishes up in paper. “This is always how things turn out when we talk now. You see why I haven’t been talking to you.”

“I knew why,” Caleb answered, sitting down in a chair. “I just don’t know how to fix this. It feels like it’s got to be something really obvious.”

“Maybe,” Morgyn said, setting the now-wrapped plate onto the stack. “And maybe this is just something that’s always going to happen now. Obviously we both have fairly strong feelings about this. Maybe they need to come out.” That sounded like something Ezio had said once. It probably was.

Silence stretched between them. And as always it did, it felt a little like a canyon, too vast to cross in one leap.

“I’m tired of fighting with you,” Caleb said quietly. “I want things to go back to the way they were.”

Morgyn didn’t answer, wrapping another plate, gently setting it in the box. “You said it yourself,” the ginger answer quietly. “Everything changed.” Morgyn didn’t want to lose him. But maybe, the sage already had.

* * *

They just kept missing each other.

Morgyn wasn’t surprised. The more they tried to hold onto one another, the faster they lost each other it seemed. Maybe Morgyn was being unfortunately pessimistic in this instance, but with what felt like everything else falling apart at the same time, it was hard not to be.

Caleb meant too much to Morgyn, but then, things really had changed in the last few months, weeks. Morgyn’s priorities had shifted. Things that hadn’t been so important before suddenly were, and it seemed like maybe Caleb wasn’t on the list of things that were important anymore. Morgyn didn’t want to admit that, even just in the sage’s head.

More than anything, Morgyn wanted to talk to Ezio. But Ezio had plenty of other things to be concerned about, and Morgyn didn’t want to add more weight onto him, not now. The only other person Morgyn could talk to was Liberty, but maybe talking to her right now wasn’t a good idea. Her mere existence seemed to have set this off in the first place.

She always had solid advice for the sage, but it wasn’t very fair to continue to lean on her like this, particularly when the subject matter involved her. It might even be rude. Morgyn hadn’t considered it too much just yet.

Morgyn had gone to the new house. Caleb had decided to take a walk somewhere, think about some things, and maybe Morgyn needed to think, too. There was a lot to work through, both between them, and on their own. Morgyn still preferred not to think about that night, how stupid it was to get that drunk, even if everything did hurt. The sage still didn’t know what to do with the revelation Aine was, in fact, as terrible as Ezio had always claimed she was. Nor did Morgyn know what to do with the realisation that not listening to him had indirectly killed Ezio.

Even if he survived for now, sooner or later, his body would give out on him. Everyone knew that, just now it was harder to ignore. And it was all Morgyn’s fault.

The only thing Morgyn could think to do with it all was run away from it, because Morgyn had never dealt with anything in the sage’s life, why start now? It was easier, to cut pieces out when they became an obstacle, even if those pieces were bits of yourself. But Morgyn had seen Ezio do it before, too many times in the past, and knew that it was no way to  live. Neither did Morgyn know of any other way.

There was still that odd echo in the house, even if Kassander had attempted to cover the walls with artworks. Cassandra had helped to some extent, it’d seem, but that wasn’t surprising given her line of work. Morgyn set a box down on one of the counters in the kitchen, then began moving the dishes from the boxes into the cabinets.

The house was beautiful. The kitchen was fully equipped, large enough several of them could be in it at once, the appliances were stainless, gleaming steel. It was mostly liveable now. Most of the work had already been done, before the house had even been purchased and gifted to them at all. Cassandra and Drake had been working on moving the rest of it off and on.

Morgyn had been no good for anyone back then, probably wasn’t any good to anyone right now, either. A little at a time, though, things were feeling a little lighter. Morgyn and Ezio’s father, Leo, used to say ‘this too, shall pass.’ And he was right. It wasn’t always perfect, but it made things a bit easier to handle sometimes, the knowledge that nothing was permanent, and everything went away someday.

The sage still wasn’t any good at facing whatever it was this time, and maybe that was part of why. There was no sense in getting all upset and twisted up about something that was fleeting anyway. But some things, maybe they weren’t as fleeting as they seemed, or felt like they should be. Some things, maybe they lingered.

Ezio would know what to say to make everything seem better. To make the darkness seem not as dark anymore. But the next best person was…

Morgyn rested an arm on the box of dishes, sitting down at the breakfast bar and pulled the ginger’s phone out of one pocket. It was finally replaced, because Drake had done most of the leg-work. Morgyn would have to remember to thank that guy  later. Not just for the phone.

Idly, the ginger scrolled through the contact list, and found L’s number. Morgyn hesitated. The sage shouldn’t bother her for this, but she’d always insisted it was okay. Morgyn really did need someone to talk to that wasn’t Liberty or Ezio, but she had her own life now, a life Morgyn wasn’t sure the sage had a place in. But who else would Morgyn turn to? Morgyn hesitated another second, two, and then the ginger tapped the call button.

It only rang twice before L picked up. “Don’t tell me you set everything on fire already,” she said.

Morgyn snorted. “Thankfully, no,” the ginger answered. “I just… need someone to talk to, that’s all. How are you?”

“I’m fine,” L answered. “Getting used to modernity and whatnot. Phones are still a little confusing. How’s Ezio? What’s wrong?” Her tone changed at the question. That was her, I know there’s something wrong so don’t pretend there isn’t, tone.

Stupid stuff, was what Morgyn wanted to say. But instead, Morgyn sighed. “Ezio’s been better,” the sage said. “And nothing’s… gone horribly bad.” Morgyn couldn’t say nothing was wrong.

“Let me guess,” L said, “Caleb?”

“Yeah,” Morgyn answered. “Well, partially anyway.” The ginger couldn’t blame everything on Caleb. There were plenty of other things going on in Morgyn’s head right now, and only some of it was related to Caleb.

“There’s more?” L asked.

Morgyn was quiet a moment, and, with some hesitatnce, said, “I’m pregnant, L.” And Simeon and L had figured out what happened that night with some startling speed, so there was no doubt she could guess what that meant.

“I see,” L said. “Is that a congratulations? Are you happy about this?”

“I don’t know,” Morgyn answered. “I don’t know what I feel about anything right now. Too many things have changed, and now I have no idea who I am or what I want. Everything feels weird and unreal. I had everything figured out, and then…” Things changed. But they always did, as quickly as they stayed the same. Aine had been a large part of Morgyn’s life. Maybe it was no wonder that the sudden newfound knowledge concerning her had thrown the ginger off, never mind the events after it.

“How does Caleb feel about this?” L asked.

Morgyn sighed. “I don’t really know that either,” the ginger said. “I’ve been busy, with Ezio and magic realm. We’re still on somewhat rocky terms. It’s like we suddenly just can’t get along anymore, I never say the right thing, he doesn’t either, like we’ve fallen into a routine of hurting each other and neither one of us can break that cycle. Maybe the way I told him about the baby wasn’t the right way, but we’ve not really talked about it since. Ezio says it doesn’t matter what he thinks or how he feels.”

“I see,” L said. “I have to agree with Ezio, honestly.”

Morgyn sighed again. “It makes sense,” Morgyn said. “It just feels like he should matter more in this, I guess. And now I can’t seem to stop hurting him and making the wrong choices, no matter how hard I try. But maybe that’s right. Maybe that’s all I can do. We end up untamed sage for a reason, right? That was all Aine ever did, too.”

“Morgyn, you are not Aine,” L said, immediately and fiercely. “You have something she doesn’t. You have a heart. I don’t think she does anymore.”

“Just because I have a heart, it doesn’t mean I know how to use it,” Morgyn said. “And what do I do when Ezio is gone? Because I will lose him again, L, and I can’t do this without him. Ezio is everything that’s good about me. Aine used to be better than this, too. I used to be better than this. And now I think I’m going to raise a baby?” Babies needed love, and Morgyn didn’t know how to give that.

“Slow down,” L said. “You are not a monster, and you don’t know who you’ll be in a few months. You’ve got quite a few to go. Morgyn, you mean a lot to a lot of people, don’t say things like that about yourself. You’re brighter a light than you think you are. It’s just that Ezio’s brighter.”

“Thanks,” Morgyn said with a snort.

“No, I mean it,” L said. “It’s very easy to think you’re nothing special when you’re standing beside the ocean. But you’re just as impressive as he is. You’re just too busy looking at him to see it.”

Morgyn released a breath, sliding down against the granite countertop. “You’re supposed to say that,” Morgyn said.

“Oh please, don’t mistake me for someone nicer,” L said. “I’m not supposed to say anything. Life is full of challenges, Morgyn. And some of those challenges seem impossible to overcome. But I’ve seen you climb mountains, and I know you can do it again. Growth doesn’t happen overnight. Healing doesn’t come just because you think it’s time. And sometimes, the things that hurt aren’t bad things.”

Morgyn gave the phone an incredulous look. “L, that doesn’t-“

“Of course it does,” L interrupted. “Think about it instead of just rejecting it. Anything worth anything is worth working for. Never stop becoming the Morgyn you want to be. Never stop becoming the Morgyn Ezio has always believed you are.”

* * *

L said that. But Morgyn was quite aware of how much damage the sage was incidentally doing. None of the choices the ginger had made thus far were the right one, it seemed like. Caleb wasn’t happy like this. Maybe things could change, given long enough. But Morgyn wasn’t really banking on it. Things like this, they didn’t generally just work out, and Morgyn wasn’t sure where the sage was going wrong.

How did you fix something if you didn’t know where it was broken?

Talking about things never seemed to make anything make sense. Maybe it wasn’t supposed to. Maybe they just, weren’t meant to be, as much as Morgyn hated thinking that. The thought hurt. But the idea of trying to make it work anyway, and hurting Caleb even more, that hurt worse.

Morgyn truly did  love him, but sometimes, merely loving someone wasn’t enough. And sometimes, in loving someone, you had to know that letting go was the only option.

Morgyn was trying not to think about it too hard, right now. Ezio was very good at picking up on it when the sage was upset about something. The last thing Ezio needed right now was to deal with Morgyn’s relationship troubles. If he could tell Morgyn was upset, he’d inevitably ask. Because that was the kind of person Ezio was, and Morgyn always wondered what was so messed up with the sage that they weren’t anything alike.

No. That wasn’t right. Morgyn and Ezio were a lot alike, just not in the ways one might expect them to be. They were still very different people, at the same time.

In thinking of it, maybe the truth wasn’t that Morgyn didn’t want to lose Caleb. Maybe it was merely that Morgyn didn’t want to be alone.

Morgyn loosed a sigh, heading up the stairs to Ezio’s room at the hospital. The ginger was becoming so accustomed to the routines and layout of Oracle Point Hospital, it was almost as if the sage worked there. One thing this had taught the sage, Morgyn could never be a doctor. The sage was too impulsive and emotional, and it was a lot to have someone else’s life depending on you. Morgyn didn’t think the sage could handle that.

Wordlessly, Morgyn opened Ezio’s door, shuffled inside, and closed it. Ezio looked away from the window, over to Morgyn, and smiled for a fleeting second before it was gone. His smiles never reached his eyes anymore. Morgyn wasn’t surprised, but it was hurtful to see.

The sage moved over to the chair, and sat down. “How are you feeling?” Morgyn asked.

In some sense, losing Ezio, even temporarily as it was, had a neat side-effect of telling Morgyn what was really important to the sage. That was another reason the issue with Caleb had taken a back-burner the last few weeks. Morgyn might love Caleb, but he was no Ezio. Morgyn needed Ezio, and could not lose him again.

“Better than yesterday,” Ezio said. “The one leg started tingling last night, and it about drove me nuts.”

“Is that a good sign?” Morgyn asked.

“No,” Ezio said. “I think it’s just something that’ll happen from time to time. Like how people with missing limbs sometimes can feel them.”

Morgyn deflated slightly. For a moment, the sage had almost hoped that was good news, like he might get feeling in that leg back.

Ezio snorted softly, holding his hand out.

Morgyn reached up, taking it with both hands. “I’m sorry that things turned out like this,” Morgyn said softly. If Morgyn could turn back time and change this, the bolt would’ve hit the sage instead. Morgyn was perfectly healthy, and could’ve tolerated the hit. Ezio just couldn’t tolerate letting Morgyn tolerate it.

“I don’t regret it,” Ezio said. “And if I had to do it all over again, I’d still do the same thing.”

Yeah, Morgyn knew that. The ginger’s head shook, turning down to face the floor. “Ezio you can’t keep doing this,” Morgyn said. “We’re not kids now. I don’t need you to protect me anymore. I need you to stay with me. Please. Please stay with me.”

Ezio didn’t say anything to that. And for a long moment, neither of them said anything at all.

Maybe right now, words were useless. Morgyn and Ezio always did seem to communicate without words, sometimes, when they tried. They had that strange and uncanny ability to tell what the other was thinking, just by looking at one another. Morgyn watched him a moment. But the sage couldn’t really tell what Ezio was thinking anymore, and as time went on, could tell less and less.

Morgyn had lost him once. Twice, really, once at France, and once to Sarnai. Why was it, anyway, that it was always Ezio that Morgyn lost? Why was it always Ezio that suffered the most? Morgyn didn’t want to lose anyone at all, but wanted to lose Ezio the least. Ezio meant everything to Morgyn, more so than anyone else, and no one could replace that.

If it meant Morgyn never lost Ezio again, the ginger’s relationship with Caleb could go straight to hell.

Eventually, Ezio released a sigh, and then shifted around, making room on one side and holding his arms out like he wanted a hug. Morgyn smiled slightly, carefully going up there and lying down next to him. Everything felt right, right here, the way everything should be. Ezio was here, and alive, and maybe things weren’t perfect, but they’d figure it out as long as they were together.

“You seem upset about something,” Ezio said. “What’s wrong?”

Morgyn glanced up at him, and then looked away. “Nothing much,” the ginger said. At least, nothing Morgyn wanted Ezio to worry about.

And anyway, maybe Morgyn’s instincts, and Peter’s, were right. The more time went on, the more Morgyn felt like that was the only right thing to do, even if it hurt. But it was a good thing, wasn’t it, having a broken heart? It meant one had tried for something.

“I know you better than that,” Ezio said. “Caleb again?”

Morgyn shrugged a shoulder. “Something like that,” the sage answered. “Don’t worry about it. You’ve got other things to be worried about.” Morgyn didn’t want to incidentally put more on his shoulders. Ezio was already  carrying far too much weight as it was, and Morgyn wouldn’t be what made it worse.

“I ask because I care, and I want to know,” Ezio said. “It’s alright to talk to me.”

“I said it doesn’t matter right now,” Morgyn answered, reaching up and ruffling his hair. “You’re coming home soon, yeah? That’s more important. Isn’t it more exciting?”

“I guess so,” Ezio said. “Hey, at least I can get some real food for once. Hospital food’s about driving me crazy.”

* * *

There wasn’t much left to do before Ezio could come home. It wouldn’t be the same home they were in before, of course, but Morgyn was hoping the acclimation period wouldn’t be too hard on him. After all, there was a lot to get used to, new restrictions and things Ezio couldn’t do and shouldn’t be trying to do anyway. Ezio wasn’t so good at restrictions. Morgyn wasn’t either.

Ezio had the largest bedroom, and it was on the ground floor so that he wouldn’t necessarily need the stair lifts. If he did want to go upstairs for whatever reason, there were stair lifts. Everyone had their own bedroom now, there were so many rooms in this house. And Morgyn was getting used to the sound of the waves crashing onto their personal slice of beach. Ezio would like that, Morgyn thought. Ezio always had loved the water.

Nothing seemed to make him happy anymore, but maybe that shouldn’t be surprising. Ezio would likely remain in not so good of a mood for a while yet. Morgyn was trying not to worry about it too much, but it felt wrong and unnatural to the ginger.

Ezio was usually the one in a better mood than everyone else was. But then, Ezio was usually the support for everyone else too, and maybe it was well past time for him to be the one that needed the support instead. The hard part would be getting him to accept it. He was, after all, still an Ember.

They’d talked for quite some time, probably a few hours by the end, and then Morgyn had gone out and down the stairs. Drake and Cassandra would likely want his attention by now, and Morgyn could use something to drink. It was still hard to see Ezio like this, but Morgyn had mostly settled on simply being glad that Ezio was alive at all. Morgyn didn’t know what the ginger would do without him, but maybe nothing terribly good.

A quick teleport, and Morgyn shuffled around the kitchen at the new house, setting to making a cup of cocoa. Morgyn was always a little upset after a visit with Ezio, and the ginger would have to buck up and get used to it for disinterest in upsetting Ezio when he was home in a few days. But for now, Morgyn could wallow a little.

Somewhere between setting the single-cup coffee maker to running hot water, and settling down at the breakfast bar in the centre of the kitchen, Morgyn noticed Caleb lingering in the doorway. Morgyn smiled slightly. Caleb smiled slightly in return, then shuffled around the room to sit across from the sage.

“How’s Ezio?” Caleb asked.

“As okay as can be expected,” Morgyn answered. Ready to come home and eat something that isn’t hospital food, I surmise.”

Caleb snorted softly. “That sounds about right,” he said. “Drake and I will be glad to assist in that.”

Of course they would. Drake wasn’t as much of a cook as Caleb was-Caleb took it to a slightly higher level-but Drake had learnt to cook because Ezio couldn’t always do it himself. After Ezio had started seeing a doctor, and they had answers and dietary guidelines to consider, Drake had picked up a lot of it and simply run away with it.

Really, so had Caleb. But  Caleb just liked cooking. Morgyn always figured it had something to do with how food was something that could bring people together. Caleb was into that kind of thing. Morgyn wasn’t.

And yet, that was just it, wasn’t it? They were almost completely different people. Their values were different. Their hobbies were different. They had different goals in life. The two of them, they made wonderful, amazing friends, but unbelievably terrible lovers.

Morgyn released a sigh, gaze casting to the floor. “Caleb, look,” the sage started, “I just… I don’t think we’re going to work.”

Caleb sighed softly, too. “Yeah,” he said quietly. “I don’t think so either. And I’m sorry for that.”

Morgyn looked up at him, head shaking. “It’s nothing for you to be sorry for,” Morgyn said. “It was a little of us both.”

“I am kind of the one that got on drugs and changed my mind about us,” Caleb said. “We never did recover from that. I guess I really hurt you.”

Of course. Of course he had, what else was he expecting? It wasn’t like Morgyn couldn’t, and didn’t intend to, hadn’t tried, to forgive and forget. Caleb made mistakes sometimes too, and Morgyn couldn’t ask that he was patient with the reality Morgyn made mistakes, and not offer the same in return.

Morgyn reached across the counters, taking Caleb’s hands. “You’re still my best friend,” Morgyn said. “No matter what happens. If you need me, I’ll always still be here. I still love you, very much. But in loving you, I have to realise and accept that I’m no good for you.” Really, maybe Morgyn was no good for anyone right now.

Caleb smiled sadly, gently squeezing the sage’s hands. “I still love you too,” he said. “We’ll still live together. Lilith’s going back to Forgotten Hollow, but I have no interest in that myself.”

“Okay,” Morgyn said. “You’re still welcome here, of course.” Morgyn couldn’t see Ezio changing that, or Cassandra and Drake, for that matter.

“It won’t be weird for you?” Caleb asked. “That I’m staying?”

Morgyn’s head shook. “No,” the sage answered. “I kind of like that you are. I do still want us to stay friends, I don’t want to lose that along the way.”

“Okay,” Caleb said.

They sat like that, for several minutes, just holding each other’s hands. And Morgyn wondered briefly, why things couldn’t have been like this between them the entire time.

But maybe Caleb had hurt Morgyn more than the sage originally believed. Maybe, it’d started a subsconsious cycle of one hurting the other, and it’d needed to finally be broken. And someday, maybe they could try again. Maybe not all the same. Morgyn was still very well-convinced that Caleb was in love with Ezio, and had been convinced of that for decades now.

Morgyn drew a breath in, letting go of Caleb and sliding the engagement rings off the sage’s finger. The ginger set them down on the counter, and gently slid them towards Caleb. “I guess you can have these back,” Morgyn said. There was no sense in Morgyn keeping them.

“No,” Caleb answered, nudging them back towards Morgyn. “I had them made for you. I wouldn’t be able to use them again for anything else, it wouldn’t feel right anyway. Just think of them as friendship rings I guess. Or you can sell them. They’d probably pay for a good deal of your college tuition.”

Maybe. Morgyn wasn’t so sure the ginger would be able to live with selling them, but it was an interesting idea. It wasn’t like the sage had thus far had a lot of luck finding permanent work that wasn’t the usual kind. Now that Morgyn had stopped that, the sage had no interest in going back to it. Neither did Morgyn want to be a drain on the household.

Morgyn would have to see how things went. The ginger was working odd jobs right now, cleaning houses and helping others with their grocery shopping. It was working well enough for now. But summer had started, and soon it’d be time for a new term. That meant new textbooks and another round of tuition.

One thing at a time. That was the only way Morgyn was going to make it through this.

The ginger smiled again, sadly, took in another breath. “Maybe,” Morgyn said. But really, Morgyn didn’t want to forget their relationship had happened. Because however brief it may have been, they had been happy.

The water gurgled. Morgyn stood up, going over to the cup and mixing in the cocoa powder. As the sage put the spoon into the sink, turning around to sit back down with the cup, Morgyn found that Caleb had already stood up and gone.

Morgyn settled down at the counter alone then, head resting in the sage’s hands… and cried.

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