Chapter 20: All You Ever Wanted Was Love
Low, Coldplay
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Outwardly, Morgyn probably seemed perfectly fine. It was far more useful, in this instance, if Morgyn did not panic, and thus far, the blond had done okay not doing so. The blond could accomplish a lot more if Morgyn didn’t have a complete meltdown. Internally was another story. The freak out was absolutely happening internally.
This meant that Ezio wasn’t safe from whatever it was that was after Morgyn, either. Of course, there were reasons for that, and Morgyn knew those reasons, even if the blond didn’t like them. The unfortunate reality was that Morgyn had no way of shielding Ezio from this. He could get far more stubborn than even Morgyn was, when he put his mind to it, and Morgyn had a hard time fighting it.
This meant, that if Morgyn wanted to keep Ezio out of harm’s way, the only thing to do was destroy this threat before it got too big. And the problem with that was, the vampire problems were very likely to be diversions. If, as Morgyn suspected, Aine was involved, the only way to end this was going to be taking Aine down. Could Morgyn face Aine, right now? Maybe. And maybe not. And Morgyn couldn’t, wouldn’t, rest Ezio’s life on maybe. Ezio meant too much to the blond.
There had to be another way.
As Morgyn often was, now, the blond sat at the dining room table with a cup of coffee in hand. The blond was utterly silent, but there was no one there to listen to Morgyn’s panicking anyway, and still, it served no purpose. The sound of heels clicking against the stone floor seemed to be determined to change that.
L silently slid into the seat across from Morgyn. The blond glanced up at her, in curiosity and confusion. L was still helping with that emotional regulation thing, and Morgyn’s fight with personal identity. It seemed strange she’d want to put herself into this, too.
The two were silent, for a short time. L cleared her throat.
“How is Ezio doing?” she asked.
Morgyn looked down at the wood of the table.
“Is he doing that badly?” L asked, looking concerned.
Morgyn released a sigh, looking back up. “He comes and goes,” the blond said. “It’s almost scarier than if he was just consistently not doing so well. This constant back and forth is getting emotionally draining.”
“I can only imagine,” L said.
“He killed the vampire that did it,” Morgyn said.
L frowned slightly. That was good, of course, but L didn’t think that would ultimately solve anything. This was bigger than some errant vampire. She could feel it. Proving that, on the other hand, might be more difficult. Unlike the others that tended to spend time in magic realm, however, L was the crazy lady. She didn’t have to make any sense. No one expected her to, anyway.
“I don’t think we’re out of the woods yet,” L said, “even if he did kill the problem vampire.”
Morgyn went quiet, for a moment, one finger rapidly tapping against the coffee cup. “Unfortunately, I think you’re right about that one.”
“Of course I am – wait, what?” That was a first. Morgyn never agreed with L, particularly not when it came to vague conspiracy theories.
Morgyn sighed. “It’s just, this smells a little too strongly of spellcaster,” the blond explained quietly. “Vampires don’t do potions.”
“No,” L said, “they don’t.” L was quiet a moment, and then asked, “Do you have any ideas? This could be almost anyone.”
Morgyn glanced at the wall. “The vampire asked both myself and Ezio about the All,” the blond said. “I can’t imagine why.”
L’s eyes narrowed. “I can’t say I can either,” L answered. No one knew where the All was, not even the Sages. The idea, of course, being that if the Sages didn’t know where, exactly, in magic realm the All was, they wouldn’t accidentally give away its location either, by being too defensive of a particular place. And by now, none now lived that remembered where it was. If you listened, with your heart, with your magic, you could sense it somewhere out there, though. It was hard to believe in things that one had never seen or experienced, but every spellcaster could feel the All’s existence, to some degree. Some more so than others.
“I can only imagine what use a vampire has for the All,” Morgyn said. “I can’t say for certain which spellcaster this is. I have my theories. But even if I was right, being right wouldn’t be helpful. I can’t find this spellcaster on command, so it’s best to simply stay alert, and hope that Ezio messed up their plans enough they retreat. Either that, or they get too bold and make a disastrous mistake.” Either one would work, honestly.
L snorted. “And how are you holding up?” she asked.
Morgyn gave the woman a slightly befuddled look. Then, the blond supposed that L was very good at reading Morgyn’s emotions, no matter how well the blond thought to have hidden them. Most of the time, they weren’t as well-hidden as Morgyn believed. The blond wasn’t very good at it yet.
“You can try and pretend that you’re not freaking out, but I can see it,” L said. “That’s your panic face, you know.”
One of Morgyn’s eyebrows raised. “My face is fine,” Morgyn said. “I’m not even making a face.”
“No, you’re definitely making a face,” L said.
Morgyn turned back towards the wall. The blond was very well-aware that, no matter how much Morgyn tried, saving Ezio from this mess was going to be impossible. Even if, by some miracle, Morgyn managed it, Ezio would inevitably dive back into it. Of course, it didn’t make a difference, which one of them was stronger than the other. They were, either way, stronger together, and maybe the only thing to do in this instance would be to work together.
That didn’t tend to work with Ezio, however. Ezio was unfortunately something of a lone wolf. There were scars in him that Morgyn could never heal, and maybe neither could Drake. It was all the more obvious, in times like these, when he walked alone.
“I can’t stop him,” Morgyn said quietly. “I can’t stop him from getting himself too involved in this mess, and what if next time he doesn’t come back?”
L’s gaze softened, and she reached across the table to take one of Morgyn’s hands. “You can’t stop him from doing what he wants, either,” L said. “And yes, sometimes, his decisions will hurt him.”
“It’s not fair,” Morgyn said.
“Nothing in life is very fair,” L answered. “But you cannot claim to love him, and also seek to control him. That’s not what love is.”
The sudden shift in magic realm was stronger, this time. Ezio suddenly sensed both of the Vatores, and this wasn’t surprising. He had kind of died in Caleb’s arms. Actually, even worse, he’d killed himself in Caleb’s arms. (He should apologise for that.) Ezio still felt weak, so he’d have to wait for them to get to him. Caleb was probably half there for him, and half there to talk to Morgyn, anyway. It was obvious. Caleb at least had gotten himself a crush on the blond, Ezio knew that. If Morgyn didn’t know that, it’d be kind of surprising.
On the other hand, even if Morgyn knew, maybe the blond wouldn’t know what to do with it. It wasn’t like Ezio had any better idea. His attempts at having relationships with other people had turned out real splendid.
He took a breath in, scooting around in bed. Then came tapping on the door, and Ezio smiled a little. “It’s open,” he said.
The door unlatched, and Lilith came in, followed by Caleb. “Hey,” she said. “How are you feeling?”
Ezio snorted. “Not great,” he answered. “I’ve had better days. I think I’ve had worse ones, too. Can’t think of any off-hand, but, it sounds right.”
Lilith laughed quietly. “I’m glad you fixed that,” she said. “I wasn’t really sure what to do if you hadn’t.”
“Thanks,” Ezio said. “For letting me suicide on you.”
“You owe me for that one,” Caleb said. He moved around Lilith and held his hands out, which were holding a bouquet of flowers. They looked like daisies. “But I do hope you get better. What’s wrong, exactly?” he asked.
Ezio shrugged a shoulder. “The strain from fighting with Kat, I guess. I’d had a fight with Morgyn a few days before, too, which probably didn’t help either, never mind the prolonged exposure to an overload charge. At least I’m conscious. Thanks for the flowers.” Ezio raised a hand, magic pooling at his fingertips, but Lilith reached out and grabbed his hands.
“No no,” she said. “No magic right now, okay?”
“… Oh, right.” Yeah, Ezio supposed that was a bad idea.
“I’ll go get these in a vase,” Caleb said. “And make you something healthy to eat, too. May as well since I’m here anyway.”
“You don’t have to,” Ezio argued.
“I know,” Caleb replied, heading back for the door. “But I want to.” And that was as complicated as that needed to be.
Caleb pulled the door open and went back downstairs, and Lilith settled down in a seat. The two of them were quiet for a moment, and then Lilith took a breath in.
“So, it was Kat after all?” she asked quietly.
“I think it was,” Ezio answered. “I’ve obviously never met her before, so I may be wrong. But she fit the description you and Morgyn gave me.”
Lilith breathed in. “This can’t be good,” she said. “Someone raising dead vampires? I don’t imagine they’re just being friendly.”
“No,” Ezio answered. For a moment, he went quiet, and then looked up at Lilith. “Aine showed up, after I’d killed Kat.”
Lilith’s eyebrows furrowed. “You can’t be serious.”
“Unfortunately, that’s what I saw,” Ezio answered.
Lilith loosed a breath, her hands raising to cover her mouth as she slid down in the seat. “I don’t think we can handle Aine,” she said.
“Not now,” Ezio said. “But someday, I think we can.”
“Are we going to have the time to become strong enough to handle her?” Lilith asked. It was all well and good that their power could grow, of course, but if they didn’t have the room to do so before Aine made another move, then it didn’t mean anything.
“I think so,” Ezio answered. “She hasn’t shown any interest in directly facing either myself or Morgyn. But then, if she comes here, Morgyn’s strongest here, now.”
That was true. Sages were nigh invincible here in magic realm, thanks to the All’s passive benefits. Trying to face Morgyn here would also likely end in L and Simeon interfering, and while Morgyn was technically stronger than both, they were very good at what they did. Sheer force wasn’t either of their styles, but it didn’t need to be. With Simeon and L behind the idiot, Morgyn could very likely take Aine down, and the thing was, Aine would know that.
There was a reason, of course, that L hadn’t mysteriously disappeared like Keisha had.
“Does Morgyn know this?” Lilith asked.
“I haven’t mentioned it,” Ezio answered. “Morgyn’s likely still got an idea of Aine in mind that I can’t quite fight.”
“You might be surprised on that one,” Lilith replied. “Try it. Just once. And if Morgyn refuses to believe you, then, don’t push it. But I think this is something you two need to talk about.”
Ezio released a sigh, scooting down. “I’d rather pretend it never happened,” he said. “I wish Aine wasn’t that terrible. I wish Morgyn could keep that idea of her. And I wish this wasn’t happening.” Unfortunately, he couldn’t change anything, only move forward with what he had. Right now, what he had was a bunch of crappy cards. And a distinct inability to breathe sometimes.
“I wish all of that, too,” Lilith said. “You know, you can sit this one out. You don’t have to be involved in this mess. Caleb and I, and Morgyn, L and Simeon, we can handle it.”
Ezio snorted. “No,” he said. “I can’t just sit this one out. Because we don’t leave Morgyn alone. Because where Morgyn goes, I go. Because magic realm is my home too.”
Lilith made a face, and sighed. “You’re awfully stubborn sometimes.”
“Only sometimes?” Ezio asked.
Lilith couldn’t help the laugh. She supposed he had a point, there. He was usually quite stubborn indeed, but that was part of what made Lilith like him. She was awfully attracted to much louder personalities than her own, because she was always looking for someone that was more like the person she wished she was.
As he was alone in the kitchen, it was quiet, save for his cheerful whistling as he got the stove lit. Ezio needed a very specific diet, one that was even more clear now that he’d seen a doctor and gotten science-backed guidelines to work with. They were fairly simplistic restrictions, guidelines that Caleb could very easily work around and within.
It wasn’t as if he thought Ezio wouldn’t be eating very well. Morgyn and Drake took his diet very seriously, even if Ezio didn’t. It was just that Caleb liked to feel useful, and this was one of the things he could do. He was even fairly good at it.
Neither of the Embers were very good at taking care of themselves. That seemed to be something that didn’t run in the family, but rather took its time getting to know them both quite well. As distressing as it was, Caleb had learnt to simply go with the flow of it, because getting upset about it would merely serve to be upsetting.
Amid him working on making something, he heard footsteps behind him, and then someone hugged him. Caleb looked down at the arms wrapped around his waist, and then looked behind him. He could just see the blond waves at his back. Caleb sighed softly, and then reached down and detached Morgyn from him, tugging the blond around in front of him.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Everything,” Morgyn answered. “Ezio died, Caleb, and he still might because of the strain it took to kill that vampire, and… I just don’t know how to deal with this. I didn’t, at first, thinking maybe it’d just go away, and I had other things to worry about but it didn’t go away. It got worse, maybe. I mean what if he does die, how am I supposed to – what am I going to -“
“Morgyn, no,” Caleb interrupted. “Don’t think like that. He’s stronger than he seems, he is, and he’ll get through this.”
Morgyn went quiet, blinking rapidly, and then the blond’s head shook. “We keep saying stuff like that,” Morgyn said. “Just to get through this one more time, and someday… that won’t be true. I don’t know that I want to keep saying that and lie to someone by sheer chance, even if that someone is only me.”
Caleb released a breath, taking hold of Morgyn’s hands. “He killed the vampire that did it, though,” Caleb said. “Something like this may never happen again.”
The blond’s head shook. “No,” Morgyn said, looking down at the floor. “This isn’t over, I can feel it. L agrees with me.”
Caleb made a face. “L never agrees with anyone,” he said, confused.
“I know,” Morgyn answered. Morgyn’s green gaze flicked up to meet Caleb’s grey eyes. “You be careful, too,” Morgyn said. “If whatever this is is after vampires, you’re a vampire too, and my best friend. Those are kind of dangerous things to be, at the moment.”
Caleb snorted. “Don’t worry about me,” he said. “I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I can take care of myself.”
“I think I’d worry about anyone about now,” Morgyn admitted. “It’s hard not to, when it feels like everything’s falling apart and nothing’s going right, and Ezio’s still a – a – I don’t even know what to call him… a self-sacrificial idiot or something.”
Caleb laughed, and then attempted to smother it.
“What?” Morgyn asked, one eyebrow raising.
“It’s nothing,” Caleb said.
“No, what?”
Caleb tilted his head to one side, and then sighed. “It’s just, you two are a lot alike.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Morgyn asked, hands resting on either hip.
“It means… if the roles were reversed, we would be in this exact situation, just which of you is in bed would be switched.”
Oh. That was probably true, yes. Certainly, Morgyn couldn’t argue with it, and instead simply gave Caleb a very unamused look.
Caleb tried not to laugh again. “Hey, anyone that knows you two wouldn’t be surprised by it,” he said. “And there’s nothing wrong with loving each other that much.” Perhaps they could both use to figure out who they were apart, but that was maybe none of his business. “And it is also okay to be upset.”
Morgyn took a breath in, looking a hair distressed for a moment. “Is it?” the blond asked softly. “Because it feels like one of us should be the strong one. It’s not going to be Ezio.”
“No,” Caleb answered. “But I think that only counts when you’re around Ezio.”
“I’d figure that’d be annoying and troublesome for you,” Morgyn said.
“I like the Morgyn that has feelings,” Caleb answered quietly.
Morgyn smiled, for a fleeting moment. And the tears welled up in green eyes. “I’m not ready to lose him,” the blond whispered. “Not like this.” Perhaps, not ever, in any way. And yet, times like these, Morgyn felt the crushing pressure of how close Ezio kept getting to dying, and how little the blond could truly do to stop it. It remained, even now, an enemy Morgyn had no idea how to fight. “I have this constant need to fix it, to do something, and I can’t.” It was driving Morgyn about nuts.
Caleb’s expression fell, just a bit. He supposed, something like that, it would bother the blond a good deal. Morgyn didn’t do very well with waiting things out, the blond was an action sort of person. Yet, there was no other choice, and it was doubly upsetting given that Ezio was extremely important to the sage.
Caleb decided not to say anything. Instead, he moved over, wrapping his arms around Morgyn, and simply held the blond. For a moment, Morgyn seemed confused, blinking rapidly, but then the blond leaned into the contact. Eventually, Morgyn’s arms wrapped around Caleb’s waist, and even though neither of them said anything, they spoke just fine. Neither needed words.
It was surprising when Morgyn realised the contact wasn’t unwanted, nor unpleasant. The blond was the sort of person that was outgoing and energetic, loved talking to people and seeing new faces, but still kept everyone a certain amount of distance. Letting people too close too quickly was a recipe for disaster, and perhaps a consistent migraine.
Caleb had never been at that distance, now that Morgyn was thinking of it. And for some reason, this realisation failed to scare the blond. It should. Of course it should. Yet the only thing going through Morgyn’s head was how nice his hair smelled.
One thing Ezio had noticed, Drake had gone jumpier and more defensive than Ezio had been expecting him to. As it was, he hardly left Ezio’s room, and when he did, it wasn’t for very long. Ezio wasn’t sure how to take that. Of course, in hindsight, that sort of reaction seemed like the only potential reaction Drake could have had. Of course he was being jumpy and defensive. Ezio had almost died, theoretically still could.
If their roles were reversed, most likely, Ezio would be doing the same thing.
As it was, Ezio spent a lot of time sleeping. He got up in the morning, ate, took his medication, and then went back to sleep. Occasionally, he woke back up, spent some time talking to Morgyn and Drake, had a shower here and there, ate some more, and slept again. These days were boring, truly, but it was better that he was bored than he was dead. (Well, he could argue with that assessment, but he wouldn’t.)
Soon enough, Drake came back, settling back into his chair. Ezio rolled over, and reached out to take his hand. Drake looked surprised, but he didn’t argue any. Probably, he found it about as soothing to be in contact with Ezio as Ezio did.
Neither said anything, for a long time. Nothing needed to be said. The only thing Ezio needed, he felt, was to know Morgyn and Drake were there. Even when they disagreed with each other, they did still care about each other, and that was the important part. No matter how much they might argue and fight, they still had each other’s backs. Ezio didn’t know what he’d do without that kind of support. He’d likely be a very different person.
“Are you feeling okay?” Drake asked.
Ezio grumbled a bit. “Still tired,” he said. He paused a moment, as his breathing messed up somewhat. Drake moved to stand up, but Ezio held his hand up, and a few moments later, his breathing went back to normal.
“It still startles me when you do that,” Drake said.
“I know,” Ezio answered. “I’d say you get used to it, but, maybe you never will. It’s been long enough, one would figure you’d have done it eventually.”
“One would be wrong, I suppose,” Drake said, looking amused.
They went quiet, again, and Ezio thought of things he could be doing, right now, if he had the ability to stand on his own. There were always things that he thought perhaps he might want to do, only to find that he couldn’t, for one reason or another, though it usually had something to do with his illness. There was once a time when he wondered if someday he’d get better, and overcome it. He could always ask Drake to turn him into a vampire, he knew. Drake would, and it should stop his illness from affecting him. Ezio didn’t think he’d ever be able to stop being a vampire, but that was very difficult anyway.
He didn’t know if he could live that way. If staying alive was worth the trouble of feeding on something as horribly impractical as plasma. Everything goes away, someday. Even people. It was sad, and yet, it was also very good. Nothing lasted forever, not the good things, and not the bad things. No one knew what came after. Even Ezio didn’t know. But he didn’t think that, whatever it was, it was any worse than what was here.
No creature on earth was more cruel and terrible than a human.
Ezio shifted around again. “How are you?” he asked, softly.
Drake looked at him like he’d said something wildly preposterous. Ezio supposed, in his mind, maybe he had. “You should worry more about yourself,” Drake said.
“I asked about you,” Ezio answered. “I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t care.”
Drake snorted softly, and then shrugged one shoulder. “Worried,” he said. “But I’m always worried about you.”
Yes, Ezio had indeed noticed that. It was concerning for a few different reasons, but he supposed the only time Drake wouldn’t worry about him is when Ezio was gone. That was almost depressing to think about, so, he didn’t. That was the kind of person Drake was. A little bit paranoid, particularly when it came to Ezio.
He could go around in his head about how he still didn’t understand Drake and his weird attachment to him, but he’d done that plenty already.
“It’ll be okay, yeah?” Ezio said.
“You know,” Drake answered, “whenever someone says that, it’s decidedly not okay.”
Ezio snorted. “Come on, I just need some rest time, and it’ll be like nothing happened at all.”
Drake eyed him through his lashes, for a while, and then snorted. “You didn’t come back screaming,” he said, “but I don’t think I’ll forget that all the same.”
Ezio released a breath. “You can’t protect me from everything.”
“I know,” Drake said. “But you can’t protect Morgyn from everything and still you’ll try.”
“That’s not very fair,” Ezio argued.
“You’re not terribly fair,” Drake said.
Ezio sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. “I don’t want to argue with you, right now,” he said. Both fell quiet. Ezio supposed that wasn’t very fair of him, either. If one of them was too busy chasing after Morgyn and trying to make sure the blond didn’t get into too much trouble, it stood to reason someone else needed to follow the other Ember around and do the same. Still, Drake wasted a lot of time doing that, if one asked him. No one asked him, of course.
Besides, he didn’t tend to like it very much when someone questioned how he lived his life. As if it was wrong somehow. No one knew what it was like to be him. No one knew why he made the decisions that he made. Sometimes, even he didn’t understand.
That was probably a personal failing, really.
“That wasn’t very fair,” Ezio said. “I’m sorry.”
Drake shook his head. “No, you’re right, really. I just – I can’t help it, not easily.” Ezio was now, and had been for a long time, the most important thing to Drake, just like Morgyn was the most important thing to Ezio. Drake supposed, if he explained that way, Ezio would understand, but Drake was afraid of saying anything. Of losing the easy relationship they had with each other now, and making things more awkward than they needed to be.
Even if this was as close as Drake ever got, it was good enough.
He hadn’t touched the mystery book in a long time. Other things had been on his mind, of course, but Ezio felt like he was getting closer to uncovering something, and it was important. Of course, he wasn’t sure if that was his own feelings, or the residual influence of the spirits that were paying far too much attention to what he was doing. Sometimes, it made him a little nervous, but mostly, he brushed it off.
He had things to do, and whether the spirits approved or didn’t approve of it, for whatever reason they had, it was no business of his. Those were their problem, not his.
In the meantime, he had translating to do, and the book was as temperamental as it ever was. Ezio stared at the page he was on, written in that particular language he could and could not understand, and then glared at it. This game was fast becoming grating, and yet he was very aware there wasn’t much for it. He had to play the game, or the book wouldn’t tell him what it had to say.
It was still debatable if what it had to say would even be useful, but these were questions that he figured out the answer to some other time. In the interim, translating this paragraph seemed like a better idea. It was talking about the ocean of stars again, but the word it was using where ‘stars’ should be was different this time. If he was guessing right, it was better translated as ‘noise.’ This was apparently an ocean of noise. Of course, there were suggestions in other texts in this book that the term for ‘chaos’ was ‘noise’ in this language.
An ocean of chaos?
Ezio wasn’t sure how accurate that translation was, but he started to read the passage with ‘chaos’ in place of ‘stars.’ In the time before time, there was nothing but the ocean of chaos. Everything that is, that was, and that ever will be, was formed of the ocean of chaos, when primordial elements, that of frost and fire, collided in the ocean of chaos, and from their union sprung existence, and magic.
And from magic, came the elder races, the vanir, the aesir, the pixies and sprites and woodland nymphs, the elementals, the genies, and the dragons. And, one day, from the chaos sprang humans, and they were the most notable children of the ocean of chaos. So unpredictable and random are they, the ocean of chaos is attracted to them, and they to it. Humans call to the chaos, and chaos calls to humans, that someday they will be reunited as one.
Strands of the ocean of chaos began to leak into existence, but all that exists, when coming into contact with chaos, is instantly erased, melted back into the pool of stars, to be made anew as something else. The vanir, seeing this as a threat to existence and the world that the mortals inhabited, a threat to life, locked away the ocean of chaos from the rest of the universe, in hopes of putting the mortal realms’ eventual end off for as long as they can, that life may flourish, for at least a short time. It is said that this is why mortals don’t live very long; their soul is eventually drawn back to the ocean of chaos, to start again.
Ezio’s gaze narrowed at the page. It cut off, the language changing, after that, but he could feel that there was more to that story. He cursed under his breath, setting the book down and leaning back against his pillows, stacked against his headboard. This damned thing remained temperamental, but he shouldn’t be surprised.
He wondered, however, what the ocean of chaos had to do with anything he was dealing with. Why the spirits seemed to want him to know about it so much. As he wondered, he could hear them whispering from beyond the shadows. Their words were indecipherable, at first. As he listened, though, Ezio started figuring out what they were saying, because the words became more clear.
‘You will lose yourself -‘
‘Lose yourself to the chaos -‘
‘You will -‘
‘Power corrupts -‘
‘Just like we did.‘
‘Lose yourself -‘
‘Power always corrupts.‘
‘And it will always corrupt.’
Ezio’s eyebrows furrowed together, a distinct frown crossing his face. Of course, power often did corrupt, but Ezio didn’t believe that it always did. Some managed not to fall to the temptation of having power. Some managed to continue not to want power. Ezio didn’t think that he ever would.
Unless it was for Morgyn, a voice whispered, in the back of his mind. And the startling part was that he couldn’t argue with the voice in his head, not this time. It was quite right, and he knew it.
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