Chapter 3: Dreams of Loneliness
Dreams, Fleetwood Mac
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Caster’s Alley was always a bit of a flurry of activity. Some came just to watch other spellcasters get into duels with one another (and friendly duels in Caster’s Alley were fairly common), but it kept it feeling alive. Ezio wasn’t as outgoing as Morgyn was, but he did like to know there were other people out there. It helped for not quite feeling so alone, and Ezio often did.
As he headed for the shop he was after, he passed a few spellcasters he recognised. Each one got a nod of his head, perhaps a smile for ones he really liked, but he tried not to show favouritism that way. He and Morgyn had been in magic realm probably the longest out of everyone here. They were like mayors without any of the power, but Ezio was alright with that. He didn’t like power, on principle. Ezio was quite happy to stick to managing himself and not worrying too much about other people. That was so much responsibility, and Ezio hated the mere idea of it.
Managing just himself and fretting about Morgyn was already more than enough.
He stopped behind someone talking to the vendor he needed, not too close, grey eyes glancing around, gently blowing some of his wavy black hair out of his face. He wasn’t in a hurry, after all, Morgyn was probably doing Sage things by now. On the other hand, Morgyn really wasn’t all that patient, and maybe Ezio should be on stand-by to… throw ice at the blond when it inevitably became too much. On the other hand, Ezio couldn’t bail Morgyn out of everything forever, as tempting as it was to try. Sooner or later, Morgyn had to learn to swim without him.
As the person in front of him turned and left, Ezio stepped up to the counter with a soft smile on his face. “Good morning,” he greeted. It was surprising Caleb was here, again, but he did tend to help out with the shops in Caster’s Alley. There was a barrier around magic realm, protecting it from non-magical folk. Usually, that meant vampires, but Caleb and Lilith had dormant magic in their blood, and the barrier let them through.
Which, of course, they both used as an excuse to be helpful.
“Hey Ezio,” Caleb answered, smiling slight in return. “What’s on the list today?”
“I need some sage and mandrake,” Ezio replied, “if you’d be so kind.”
“Your mandrake’s not doing so well?” Caleb asked, but he turned around to find what Ezio asked for.
Ezio snorted. “It refuses to grow,” he answered. “Not sure why. It’s not like magic realm has -” It was sharply loud, the sudden piercing song, and barely, within its melody, Ezio could hear the sound that others described as a shriek. He startled, grey eyes darting around. Now that he heard it again, it almost sounded like it wasn’t just one voice, but several. Then he turned back to Caleb and smiled.
“You okay?” he asked.
“I’m fine,” Ezio answered. “I just thought I heard someone call my name.” Admitting that he was hearing the singing, that was probably not a good thing to do. Most of everyone that heard the song eventually disappeared, and no one knew how or why. They were just… gone.
Ezio didn’t have any strange ideas of figuring it out and solving the mystery, but if he could learn something useful before he went, maybe he could pass it on to Morgyn and… maybe it’d stop happening.
“Hey, did Lilith happen to tell you what she’s up to?” Caleb asked, setting the sage down in front of Ezio.
“She’s up to something?” Ezio asked. That was news to him. As far as he knew, Lilith was just helping Morgyn with the junk on the balcony. If one asked Ezio, it could all be thrown away. Or launched into the in-between forever, fuck Aine.
“Hmm, yeah,” Caleb said. “Or it seems that way. Forgotten Hollow’s a bit shaken up, too, but I can’t say why. They don’t tell me anything.”
“You’re a cuddly little marshmallow, Caleb, of course they don’t,” Ezio answered.
“You’re the king marshmallow, you know,” Caleb replied, setting the mandrake down.
Ezio made a face, but reached into his pocket and handed Caleb enough to cover both. “I feel like that’s Drake, actually.” Drake was the one that taught him how to love. That it was okay to not always be an immovable object, even if it felt like he should be.
Caleb considered that for a moment. “Yeah, I guess so,” he answered. “Hey, how’s he doing anyway?”
“He lives at headquarters with the rest of us,” Ezio answered. “You could always come see for yourself.”
“That requires taking those freaky-deaky teleporting archway things,” Caleb answered. “No thanks.”
Ezio started to reply, but he heard something behind him that caught his attention.
“- where Aine went,” someone was saying.
Ezio looked at Caleb, and then nodded at them, took the sage and mandrake, and shuffled off to sit on one of the benches. It was easy for him to blend in. He didn’t stand out. Wavy black hair, grey eyes, glasses, and he didn’t even own any clothes that weren’t black or grey. No one could call him a loud presence. He was, however, somewhat tall.
“Everyone knows Morgyn’s ambitions,” someone else said, as Ezio settled down on a bench and looked like he was occupied with something else. “Why, I wouldn’t be surprised if Morgyn wanted the Sage position and did something to make Aine vacate it.”
“Or she just left,” someone else argued. “Aine isn’t known for being terribly concerned with others. If she found something more interesting, she’d certainly go for it.”
“Of course, Aine could’ve easily passed that to Morgyn, too.”
“Morgyn’s got Ezio,” someone said. “Ezio would never let Morgyn do something so sketchy.”
“Ezio can’t follow Morgyn everywhere all the time. He could’ve missed something.”
Well, that much was true. Even Ezio had to admit to that one.
“Remember what happened to Aine’s mentor?” someone added. “Still no one’s seen them since.”
“Untamed Sages tend to disappear when they’re replaced, anyway.”
“Yes, but they don’t often disappear before they’re replaced.”
“It’s none of our business. The All’s already made its choice, and our job is merely to accept it.”
“The All wouldn’t choose someone of questionable character.”
“It has before, remember the Mischief Sage from 1420?”
“That’s a legend, no one believes that happened.”
“Shit, that’s Ezio,” someone whispered.
“Is anyone else having trouble finding witch hazel?”
Great. They did give him a lot of information, though. It wasn’t surprising to find out that these were the things everyone else was thinking. Now, though, he had to hope none of these rumours got back to Morgyn. The blond was already having a hard enough time with being Sage now, and had several more panic fits over the last few days. More, most likely, were incoming, and Ezio didn’t need that adding to the problem.
He stood up, heading for the destroyed bridge. “Thank you,” he said, as he passed the cluster of gossipers, and walked through the archway.
Louder than usual, Ezio stalked into headquarters, set the sage and mandrake down on the coffee table with a loud bang, and very softly, snarled. Drake, sitting in one of the leather chairs nearby, reading a book, lowered the book to arch one eyebrow at him. Icy blue eyes, slightly glowing, looked a hair worried. Ezio never did that unless something was really bothering him, and anything that was enough to bother Ezio was quite something.
Either that, or it had something to do with Morgyn. Ezio never did stop trying to protect Morgyn from damned near everything.
“That doesn’t sound terribly happy,” Drake said, closing the book and setting it on the table beside the herbs.
Ezio’s lips tilted to one side, and he released a long breath. “Not terribly,” he answered. And then, Ezio looked up at Drake, bright platinum blond waves framing his face, eyes glowing softly and reflecting the light from the fireplace, the soft orange light notable against his pale skin, and he felt that pang in his heart like he always did, and looked back down at the table. Drake always did make him feel funny, and Ezio liked to think he didn’t know why, that he hadn’t thought about it, but he had.
Eventually, he sat down on the couch. “Sorry, just overheard a conversation in Caster’s Alley,” he said.
“I take it they didn’t say anything good?” Drake asked.
“Apparently there’s a rumour going around now that Morgyn did something to make Aine leave. Because presumably, Morgyn wanted the Sage position. You know, Morgyn almost had a panic attack when the All made its choice. Morgyn didn’t want it.”
“I know that,” Drake answered, head tilting to one side. “I guess no one else does.”
“Well, now I have to hope that rumour doesn’t get back to Morgyn, or I’ll have to deal with another freak-out and I’m running out of freak-out allowance.”
Drake looked thoughtful for a moment, and then somewhat sad. “You can’t stop people from talking,” he said. “Eventually, Morgyn will hear it.”
“Sure I can,” Ezio said under his breath, his arms crossing over his chest as he fell back against the couch. “If I kill them all, they won’t say anything at all.”
“Ezio,” Drake said, eyes slightly wide.
“What? I didn’t say anything.” Of course he didn’t. And certainly, he didn’t say that.
Drake released a sigh. There were times when he wondered about Ezio, but it was only ever when it had something to do with Morgyn. But of course, Ezio had lived almost his entire life so far protecting Morgyn. It was no wonder he didn’t seem to know how to do anything else.
“Oh!” Ezio said, sitting back up with a slight gasp. “I know! I’ll just make it out like I did it!”
“Did what?” Drake asked.
“Made Aine go away,” Ezio said. “If it was me then it can’t have been Morgyn and the rumours will stop!”
“That’d just make it worse,” Drake said. “If it gains traction and mutates into the wrong kind of rumour, you’ll have killed her.”
“So?” Ezio wasn’t saying he wanted to have killed Aine anyway, but that was beside the point.
“So,” Drake started, “then you’ll have done a very bad thing and probably have to answer for it, and then Morgyn wouldn’t have you anymore. Over something stupid, no less. I don’t think Morgyn can handle that, right now.”
Ezio huffed, falling back against the couch again. For the record, he wasn’t pouting, either. “I guess,” he said. “Why are you my reason, anyway?”
“Because,” Drake said, “only one of us can think when it comes to Morgyn.”
Ezio sighed, one finger tapping rapidly against his arm. “I think what scares me the most is, those rumours might be right,” he said softly. “Even if it wasn’t for the reasons they think, Aine was abusive, and Morgyn is too free of a spirit. Sooner or later, Morgyn would’ve snapped. I can’t say for sure that it wasn’t Morgyn.”
Drake released a breath. He hated to admit it, but Ezio was right. “Just like you snapped?” he asked.
“Yeah,” Ezio answered. “Just like I snapped.” The difference, of course, was that Ezio didn’t kill Jean, just pissed him off. There was no telling whether Morgyn had killed Aine or not. Ezio didn’t want to believe it, but even without all that, Ezio knew there was darkness in Morgyn’s heart. There always had been. And Ezio was never enough, to make it go away.
But Ezio was, in general, never enough. It shouldn’t be surprising to him.
“I suppose we’ll never know,” Drake said. “I don’t imagine Morgyn’s going to tell anyone that anytime soon if it happened.”
“I guess not.” Ezio liked to think that was something Morgyn would tell him. But then, that would also require, if it went how Ezio thought it did, admitting that Ezio was right about Aine and Morgyn had spent a long time defending her. It was a bit jarring to suddenly have it flipped around, and Morgyn often didn’t take very well to sudden massive changes.
Never mind that, Aine meant a lot to Morgyn. It was even harder to accept it when someone you cared for and looked up to wasn’t as amazing as you believed. Ezio could understand that very well, probably better than Morgyn thought, but there were things neither of them ever said to the other.
“Hey,” Drake said, leaning forward in his seat. “You can’t fix everything. And I think this is one of those things Morgyn has to go through without you. Had to realise independently. It’s not easy to deal with things like that.”
Ezio knew that. And Morgyn was sometimes the kind of stubborn that rejected things others said merely because the blond didn’t want to know it, didn’t want to see it, and had to come to the realisation that it was true over time. Ezio just hated seeing Morgyn hurting. That was probably a personal problem.
“Whenever Morgyn’s ready,” Drake said, “you can talk then. But for now, just be here. There are things Morgyn can’t do without you, even if you don’t seem to do anything. And right now, I think Morgyn needs you more than ever before.”
“I know,” Ezio said, sighing. “It’s just hard to watch Morgyn struggle and not be able to do anything.”
“Oh, I know,” Drake answered. “But I think if Morgyn really needs you, you’re the first and probably only one that’ll know.”
No one knew Morgyn like Ezio did, just like no one knew Ezio like Morgyn did. He supposed it stood to reason. “How are you doing, anyway?” Ezio asked. He hadn’t had the chance to ask for a while.
“Me? Fine,” Drake answered. “Kassander and I are working on mist teleporting.”
“Vampires can do that?”
“Sure,” Drake said. The Essairs are really good at it, actually. Sandalio can stay in mist form for a long time. I’ll learn to do that later, maybe, but first I have to get going into mist form down.”
Ezio smiled a little. “You’ll get it, though.”
Drake turned just the slightest bit pink across the nose. Ezio thought it was the most adorable thing he’d ever seen, and smiled a little brighter. Drake smiled back, and Ezio had to stop himself from standing up and – and what? Ruining his life? As if he hadn’t already done that.
“I should uh,” Ezio started, taking the sage and mandrake off the table and standing up, “go make this potion probably. Why Mrs. Hannigen can’t just make her own potions, I don’t know…”
“You make good potions,” Drake answered.
Ezio smiled in embarrassment. If he said so. “I’ll talk to you later?”
“Yeah,” Drake said. “Good luck with the potion.”
Ezio may need it, honestly. Though he was in a good mood now. But Drake always did put him in a good mood.
The scent of coffee was strong, and comforting. Morgyn drank coffee mostly because the aroma was very pleasant, even if making it wasn’t always. Morgyn stood off to the side in the kitchen, listening to the water gurgle in the coffee pot. It was a simple drip system, but it was decent enough for what they needed it for. It was just there to make sure Morgyn didn’t murder anyone in a fit of impetuous rage.
The morning routine kept some stability in Morgyn’s life. It was a ritual that let Morgyn wind down and get ready for the day. Spending time talking to Ezio often had a very similar effect, but it was probably because it was Ezio. Few others had the ability to tolerate Morgyn’s quirks long enough to have a real conversation. Of course, it’d go a lot better if Morgyn had any idea how to express anything that was in the blond’s head. Ezio understood without anything being explained, and Drake usually could make logical jumps and figure it out, too. Maybe the problem was that Morgyn hadn’t had to really express anything to anyone in so long, the blond had forgotten how to make anything make sense to someone that wasn’t Ezio or Drake.
Was that a bad thing? Surely Ezio didn’t want to spend forever making sense of what was in Morgyn’s head. The only person Morgyn knew to ask about that, though, wasn’t terribly nice herself. Of course, Morgyn never knew L. to be mean, not really. Many considered her to be, but in Morgyn’s experience, she was just honest, and the truth, sometimes, had barbs. And, of course, sometimes she was a bit bluntly honest.
Okay, she was a little mean, but she usually meant well.
The coffee maker hissed and stopped dripping water. Morgyn reached over, sliding the two coffee cups on the counter closer to the coffee maker, and pouring both. One cup got two sugars and a cream, and the other, two sugars and no cream. Morgyn waved a hand, and both stirred themselves, and the blond took both and shuffled off towards the purple room L. tended to hang around in.
“Good morning,” Morgyn greeted.
L. looked up from the cauldron, curious to hear Morgyn’s voice. They still didn’t exactly get along, but they didn’t hate one another, at least. “Good morning,” L. replied, somehow managing to keep the confusion out of her tone.
“Two sugars, one cream,” Morgyn said, holding one of the cups out to L.
L. looked surprised, taking the cup. “Thank you,” she said. “Odd that you remember how I take my coffee.”
“I did actually listen to you when you squawked, you know,” Morgyn said, smiling slightly. “It’s just strange that you and Keisha stopped talking to me. Did I say something?”
No, it wasn’t Morgyn that said something. It was Aine, but, L. wasn’t certain that Morgyn was ready for that information just now. Instead, L. shrugged. “Keisha had me pretty busy there at the end. I think I just lost track of time.”
“You came across me on the bridge upstairs and purposely turned around and went back downstairs and used the stairs on the other side,” Morgyn said, an eyebrow arching upward.
“Okay, well, maybe we were avoiding you,” L. said. “It’s not for you to worry about right now. The past is the past, right?”
Yes, normally, Morgyn would agree with that. Right now, it felt like there were things in the past that Morgyn didn’t understand and should. Ezio tended to change his wording, make things sound like something they weren’t to make Morgyn feel better about it, but L. would be as blunt and honest as Morgyn wanted. L. would tell the truth.
One thing at a time.
“I suppose,” Morgyn said. “There are just some things that stick and some that don’t, as well, even if it’s really nonsensical what sticks and doesn’t. I remember how you take your coffee, but, not something I said five minutes ago.”
L. snorted loudly. That was the most relatable thing Morgyn had ever said. “That’s true enough. Well, since you’re here, you’re welcome to stay.”
“Thank you,” Morgyn said. “How are you doing?”
L. thought about that for a moment, and then shrugged. “Simeon’s freaking out about some of the books being missing, so I’ve had a day. I haven’t killed him, though.”
“I don’t think you could,” Morgyn said. “He’s annoying, but he’s ours, right?”
L. let out a short laugh. “I guess he is. So, what are you actually here for?”
Morgyn looked a bit surprised, and then snorted softly. “I can’t want to talk to you?”
“No one subjects themselves to my presence if they don’t want something,” L. replied. “I’m not exactly the sort of person you sit down and do manicures with while talking about cute boys.”
Okay, well, if L. was going to say it that way, then, Morgyn was not going to argue. She was the one that said it. “Maybe you’re the only one being remotely nice to me right now.” As sad as it was, besides Ezio and Drake, she was. Simeon seemed afraid of Morgyn for some reason, but then, Morgyn wasn’t deaf. The blond had heard the rumours.
Were the rumours right? Maybe they were. Maybe they weren’t. Morgyn wasn’t saying anything about whether they were or weren’t, because it was better not to say anything incriminating. Aine wasn’t dead, though. She may yet come back.
Sometimes, Morgyn wished she would. Other times, Morgyn was glad she was gone. What did that even mean?
“If we’re in a situation where I’m the nicest person you know, you need better friends,” L. said.
Morgyn tried not to laugh, but snorted lightly anyway.
“See, that’s better,” L. said. “Now, what are you really here for? Come on, I’ll get it out of you one way or another. I have tricks.”
That much was true. Morgyn’s eyebrows raised, and the blond drew a breath in, taking a sip of coffee. “Well, you said something about now that Aine’s gone, I need to get her out of my head,” Morgyn answered.
“Uhuh?” L. asked. “Go on.”
“I… I don’t know how,” Morgyn said. “She’s always been the voice that I listen to.”
“Ah,” L. said, pausing a moment to take a drink of coffee and set the cup on the fireplace mantle. “You need to relearn how to listen to yourself.”
“I don’t even know what I sound like anymore,” Morgyn said.
L. went quiet, looking at Morgyn. Morgyn tried not to squirm under her intense, violet gaze, but L.’s look was intense in general. She had several earrings, lavender hair cut so that the front was longer than the back, a septum piercing, several bracelets, bold purple makeup and black lipstick that went very well with her dusky skin tone… L. was beautiful, if one asked Morgyn. Thankfully, no one had.
“How do you feel, right now?” L. asked.
Morgyn wasn’t expecting that question, and blinked once, twice, weight shifting in confusion. How did Morgyn feel right now? Morgyn wasn’t sure right away. “Well, kind of nervous, I think,” Morgyn said, gaze shifting to the ceiling. “Been nervous since the All… a little worried, because now I won’t always be there if Ezio needs me. He’s got Drake, though, and I’m trying to trust that. I think I’m also a little excited. I didn’t want to be sage, but, since I am, I guess I may as well find something good in it.”
L. smiled slightly, and then crossed her arms. “Congratulations,” she said. “You just listened to yourself.”
Ezio always seemed to wake up just before the sun came out. Or at least, whatever that bright thing was in the sky. It was hard to say that was a sun. He sat up in bed, shook raven waves into place, and then got out of bed. Softly, he could hear the eerie melody echoing outside the walls. He hadn’t had the time to sift through the mystery book, but he should take the time soon. It was probably enchanted that way, but it felt like it was pulling him to it.
He dressed, detangled his hair, and then headed out into the hallway. As he closed his door, Morgyn came out of the room across the hallway, blond waves a mess of tangles, pulling a plaid shirt on.
“Good morning,” Ezio greeted.
“Hi, gotta go, bye,” Morgyn said in a rush, bolting for the stairs.
“Wait, you’re barely dressed,” Ezio argued.
“No time!” Morgyn said. “I’m late!”
Ezio frowned, reaching over and grabbing Morgyn’s hand, making the blond stop and look at him. “No,” he said. “Simeon and L. are always late for everything. I’m not letting you get a head-start on driving yourself into the ground.”
Morgyn looked annoyed at him, eyebrow arching, glancing back towards the stairs.
“Let me fix it,” Ezio said.
Morgyn glanced between him and the stairs a few times.
“Please?”
“Oooh, fine,” Morgyn said, deflating slightly.
“Thank you,” Ezio said, pulling Morgyn into his room. Wordlessly, he grabbed a comb and his jar of coconut oil, sitting Morgyn down beside the bed. Ezio sat down behind the blond, and started working the oil into the blond waves. “I’ve never seen you so concerned about how others see you before.”
“I am not,” Morgyn argued.
“Is that so?” Ezio asked. Morgyn had just almost bolted down the stairs half-dressed, but Morgyn wasn’t concerned about that.
“Okay, maybe I am a little.”
“It’s okay to care, you know,” Ezio said. “Just remember, no one’s judging you quite as harshly as you’re judging yourself.”
“If you say so,” Morgyn mumbled.
Ezio laughed slightly. “I think I like this side of you.”
Morgyn loosed a snort. “I don’t,” Morgyn said. “I’d rather not care what anyone thinks. It’s less exhausting.”
“You’ll get used to being a Sage,” Ezio said, working the comb into the tangles. “And then it won’t matter so much. But right now, you want to make a good impression, so you’re pushing yourself harder than usual.”
Morgyn’s lips twitched. “I was going to ask how you know that, but I guess I know how you know that.”
Ezio laughed quietly. “It’s my job,” he said. “I’m supposed to know things about you that you really wish I didn’t.”
“I’m sorry,” Morgyn said quietly.
“What for?” Ezio asked.
The blond loosed a sigh, head resting on a knee. “For being a giant bitchmonster sometimes. For being so easily confused. For needing you so much.”
“That is also part of my job,” Ezio answered. “I’m glad you still need me. I figured a few hundred years ago you’d have stopped.”
“It’s not good for you,” Morgyn said.
Ezio drew in a breath, grey eyes glancing at the glass above his bed. It gave him a reason to live, but he wasn’t going to tell Morgyn that. “It isn’t bad, Morgyn.”
Morgyn went quiet, but Ezio could almost hear the blond thinking. Sometimes, Morgyn went quiet and people seemed to think of it as the blond being closed off. In Ezio’s experience, Morgyn was just thinking about something, maybe too hard.
“How are things with Drake?” Morgyn asked eventually.
Ezio was a little surprised to hear the question. It’d been a while since Morgyn had asked about how things were with Drake. Like they were dating or something, but they weren’t. “Just fine,” he answered.
“That’s it?”
“What else is there? We don’t hate each other or anything, haven’t been fighting either…” Ezio wasn’t sure what Morgyn was looking for. Well, no, never mind. Morgyn was probably really asking…
“Have you told him?”
Ezio’s shoulders dropped, and he paused in combing for a moment, then released a sigh. “Of course not.”
“Why?”
“You know why.”
“And I don’t like it.”
Well, life was full of things someone didn’t like. “It’d be pointless,” Ezio said. “I’m seeing someone anyway.”
“So what?” Morgyn asked.
“What do you mean so what?”
“I mean so what,” Morgyn repeated. “You’re not exactly happy with Jackson.” And Morgyn would be quite happy if he just disappeared. Actually, come to think, Morgyn wondered if it was possible to trap someone in the in-between…
“I’m not unhappy,” Ezio said.
“I’d rather you were happy. You’re never happy with any of these boys you start dating. You’d be happy with Drake.”
Would he? It sounded so easy when Morgyn said it that way. But things weren’t so simple between them. Ezio hadn’t ever told Morgyn what happened in France. Ezio probably never would. There were things that Morgyn didn’t need to know, and that was one of those things, because everything Ezio had lived through at that time, it was for Morgyn.
He’d do it all over again, if he had to, but Morgyn didn’t understand.
Drake was both someone Ezio cared for very much, and someone Ezio was, even now, slightly afraid of. He tried not to let it show, because Drake didn’t need to know that he was. That, sometimes he looked at Drake and saw Jean. He hated himself for it.
“There’s no point,” Ezio said.
“There’s always a point to your feelings, Ezio,” Morgyn said.
“Morgyn, honestly,” Ezio said. “I’m just in his way.”
“Oh Ezio,” Morgyn said, tone sad. “No you’re not, you’re the one that gives him his strength.”
No. Morgyn might think so, but their relationship couldn’t be made so oversimplified and romanticised. That was a reality Ezio had accepted a long time ago, and maybe there was a part of Drake that resented Ezio too, for showing up one day and flipping his whole world upside down.
There were so many things about France that none of them had ever said. He had a feeling, sooner or later, those things would up and bite them all in the ass.
“I still have Jackson,” Ezio said.
“And right now you’re just using Jackson as an excuse,” Morgyn said. “Is this why you keep dating everyone but Drake?”
“Even if I’m not in Drake’s way, it doesn’t stop me from feeling like I am. Like I’m holding him back from something, I made him a vampire for fuck’s sake, now you want me to demand that he love me, too?”
“But he already does-“
“Just stop,” Ezio said, flatly.
Morgyn did go quiet, though looked a little sadder. The only person that Ezio was standing in the way of was himself. But getting him to see it was proving more difficult than Morgyn had anticipated.
Morgyn had done it once before. Listening to what was in the blond’s heart, rather than what Morgyn knew Aine would say, that is. It was a difficult habit to break. Every time Morgyn tried to hear the little voice inside that was Morgyn, it was always Aine that came out instead. Morgyn was sick of it, really. That was what had driven Morgyn to ask L. of all people how to get Aine out of the blond’s head, but no matter how much Morgyn tried, pacing around the blond’s bedroom, it was still always Aine that Morgyn heard.
Of course, the only time the Aine voice in Morgyn’s head silenced was around Ezio. But Morgyn couldn’t keep using Ezio as a crutch that way, either. Ezio couldn’t be constantly expected to make everything better, even if he did. He always talked about himself like he was a temporary, impermanent thing. Like someday, he could just up and go away, and Morgyn was always so terrified of him doing exactly that. Without Aine, and without Ezio, Morgyn didn’t know if the blond could make it.
Ezio liked to pretend that Drake didn’t love him, and that he didn’t love Drake, but Morgyn knew better. Drake would be just as lost without him as Morgyn would. Some might say that would be a grand thing to bond over, that they could help each other, but it wouldn’t be the same. Feeling the same pain didn’t necessarily make that pain go away.
Ezio was the better part of Morgyn. Everyone said it, and Morgyn knew it was true. There was darkness in Morgyn that only Ezio’s light could keep from taking over.
Ugh, Morgyn wasn’t good at inner reflection. No one had said anything about it recently, the whole not being entirely female thing, but Morgyn had been thinking about it, maybe too hard. Morgyn didn’t understand it very well, and Ezio said it didn’t have to make sense, but Morgyn didn’t like it when things didn’t make sense. It was hard not to obsess over it, when they didn’t.
As Morgyn paced around the room, fingers tapping rapidly on either leg, the blond glanced at the dresser, and the mirror that was sitting on that dresser. And for a moment, Morgyn got caught up in staring at the person looking back from it. It felt like, for the first time, Morgyn actually saw it, the reflection in the mirror. Something in Morgyn’s chest squeezed and did a cartwheel, and nothing felt right. One manicured finger raised and tapped against Morgyn’s nose, following the curve of the bridge. The blond could see Ezio there, in the lines of Morgyn’s face. The two of them really did look an awful lot alike. Morgyn wondered if looking like this caused Ezio as much trouble as it did Morgyn.
Even if it did, it wasn’t as if Ezio would tell.
Green eyes cast down to the floor. In one swift movement, Morgyn moved over to the dresser, and turned the mirror face down on the wood. Whoever that person was, it didn’t feel like Morgyn. It didn’t feel right. That might well be what L. meant, of course, but Morgyn didn’t know how to figure out if it was or not. Aside from outright asking L., and Morgyn had mixed results from talking to L. directly.
What did it mean if you felt like you were in someone else’s body? When Morgyn was younger, and Ezio wasn’t here, people often accused Morgyn of trying too hard to be special. “There’s nothing special about you,” they’d say. “You’re just like everyone else.”
Maybe Morgyn was just like everyone else, but the blond had never felt like it before, and didn’t even now. If anything, even just L. questioning whether Morgyn was a woman or not, and Ezio agreeing, had managed to make Morgyn feel even less like everyone else.
Ezio never had used gendered pronouns with Morgyn before, huh? The blond hadn’t honestly thought about it before, but he was right. He hadn’t called Morgyn ‘she,’ or anything else, in so long, Morgyn hadn’t realised just how long. That was almost impressive, given they were French, and the Latinate Romance languages sure did love gendering random things.
Morgyn shuffled over to the bed, heavily falling onto it. It wasn’t like Morgyn could change anything. It was either that Morgyn was female, or looked terribly female and insisted on being called he. What else was there to be called, anyway? Were there other words? Maybe insisting against using pronouns at all would work, like how Ezio didn’t use them, but he had to word things weirdly sometimes to avoid calling Morgyn by a pronoun. Asking others to do that, it seemed unfair and like too much.
And yet, that was the only way Morgyn was truly comfortable. When people just didn’t use pronouns at all.
No. No, no, no. Morgyn would just put this craziness back out of mind and not think about it again. It wasn’t like Morgyn hadn’t spent the last few hundred years being a woman anyway, and yes, maybe it was somehow always so uncomfortable and strange, like a glove that went over your hand but didn’t quite fit, but Morgyn had gotten over it once, and could get over it again. Ezio would insist on thinking about it, or at the very least, still wouldn’t use pronouns. No, L. would be the one that insisted on thinking about it, shove it under Morgyn’s nose at every turn.
What did it fucking matter how Morgyn felt, though? It wasn’t like Morgyn could suddenly become not a woman anymore, and trying to make sense of it all was maybe just an exercise in futility, raising hopes that ultimately were just going to be let down.
Ugh. There was time to think about this later. Or maybe Morgyn would never think of it again and pretend that the conversations with L. and Ezio had never happened. That seemed far more likely.
Yes, that was a better idea. That decided, Morgyn smiled slightly, and stood up, heading downstairs. It was about dinner by now.
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