Chapter 43: But We’re Lying to Ourselves Again
Run For Cover, Kito and Reija Lee
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There wasn’t much left to do. Morgyn had come by the day before and helped a good deal, probably because Caleb had said something and upset the blond. Strangely, Morgyn worked faster when the blond was annoyed, and Lilith should probably be concerned that Caleb and Morgyn were apparently fighting, but right now, she’d take the incidental bonus of their move going by quicker.
Sooner or later, Caleb would sort through what was in his head, and then she’d hear all about it. The way she figured, she may as well find some joy in it for right now, right? Right. It wouldn’t last forever, and most likely, Caleb would need her help sorting through the rest of what was in his head, because it seemed like he had no idea.
There were times when he had a much better idea of what was going through his head, and Lilith, at times like those, only needed to nudge him gently the right way. Other times, he had no more idea than she did, and he needed help making sense of it all. There were other-other times when his head was such a mess even Lilith couldn’t really make sense of anything going on in it, but they got through it sooner or later.
It was probably time to take a break. Lilith released a puff of air, sitting back on her heels, and pulling her phone out. She’d been at this for the last five hours straight. The good news was, she was almost done, and if she was thinking correctly, she and Caleb should be done moving into Spire that evening. All that was left was selling the furniture they didn’t need, but Lilith was considering donating it just to be rid of it.
She stood up, brushing the dust off her clothes, and shuffling into the kitchen. The apartment looked strange after being stripped down this way, but she supposed that was to be expected.
Vlad’s absence still hurt, somewhat. But she was getting better, a little at a time. Most likely, the urge she had to curl away from everyone and hide, it probably wasn’t going to make her feel any better, though it may feel like it should. Maybe she’d go out somewhere later, drag Ezio or Drake or both off and spend some time out in the city, getting fresh air and being around people.
She’d already gone up to Uptown to check out the gym the other day. It had a nice view of the city, too, and Lilith was kind of excited to live so close to it. It’d be a nice thing. And maybe living that close to a gym would make her leave the apartment more often than school required.
Lilith set to making tea, a boring chamomile she’d been drinking a lot off and on to keep her nerves calm. As she shuffled around setting the teapot to making it, her phone made a chiming sound. Lilith’s eyes glanced at it, and then when the teapot started going by itself, she reached over and picked it up.
The spellcaster’s gone, the message read. It was from Elle. Miss Hell moved into Straud manor though, and I think Markus did too.
Lilith frowned. Miss Hell would be notably easier to take down than a spellcaster of Aine’s calibre would, but she wasn’t quite sure what to make of Aine’s sudden retreat. Of course, Lilith figured she was smart enough not to stay where Morgyn had a chance of sensing her. She was good at ducking under the blond’s radar like that.
Morgyn knew Aine very well, of course, but Aine knew Morgyn just as well.
You don’t have any ideas why she left? Did anything change? Lilith sent back.
It was only a few minutes before Elle replied. Not really. Though the Hollow feels a little off anymore. The spellcaster did something before she left but I don’t know what.
That was concerning. Aine could’ve done just about anything, and Lilith wouldn’t know until they punched through that barrier and threw the princess off her throne. Lilith frowned a little deeper.
Well, I guess we’d better focus on one enemy at a time. I’ll come by later, and we’ll get plans going for getting Miss Hell and Markus dealt with.
You’re killing her, right? Elle sent back.
Lilith made a face at her phone. I did not intend to.
An enemy still breathing is a problem still standing.
Lilith didn’t want to admit Elle was right, but, Elle was right. Alright, fair point. We aim to kill, Lilith said.
Damned straight we do.
* * *
“So, how much are you aware of already?” Caleb asked, settling down on the floor next to Lilith.
Lilith raised an eyebrow, then turned off the game she’d been playing on her phone, and set the device down. “I know you and Morgyn had a spat,” she said.
Caleb waited a moment, and then raised his eyebrows. “That’s it?” he asked.
Lilith snorted. “I don’t make a habit of eavesdropping on your private conversations, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“No I know,” Caleb said. “I just, figured you’d have heard or figured out more than that. I mean you and Ezio talk a lot if nothing else.”
“Not about you and Morgyn,” Lilith said. “When we’re talking to each other, we usually don’t want to think about you two’s problems.”
“You say that like we have a lot of them,” Caleb said.
Lilith simply gave him a look.
Caleb seemed to get the hint, and ducked his head.
“What’d you do this time?” Lilith asked.
Caleb snorted. “Why do you assume it was me?”
“Because you’re the one that doesn’t seem so sure about this suddenly,” Lilith said.
“You can tell?” Caleb asked.
Lilith shrugged. “You’re my brother,” she said. “That’s probably the only reason. But yes. You look confused, and conflicted, and like you don’t know what to do, and Morgyn looks at you like you turned into a hydra. So my best guess is, you did something.”
Caleb sighed. “Well, I hurt Morgyn’s feelings I think,” he said.
“And how’d you do that?” Lilith asked.
“We haven’t kissed yet,” Caleb answered.
Lilith tilted her head and raised an eyebrow at him again. “Why? Morgyn’s only been looking at you like he wants you to jump him for like, fifty years.”
Caleb looked at her like she was telling lies, and then shrugged at looked up at the ceiling. “It just feels kind of superficial.”
“Uh-huh…” What did that even mean? “Okay… so you fixed it and kissed him, right?”
“No,” Caleb answered.
“What?” Lilith released a sigh, and got a bit of a groan with it. “Caleb, Morgyn loves you and now’s a really weird time to decide to go questioning that.”
“Does he?” Caleb asked. “Because I’m starting to wonder.”
“And why on earth would you be wondering?” Lilith asked.
“Never mind,” Caleb said, standing up. “You just don’t see it. I gotta go to class anyway.”
“Don’t see what?” Lilith asked, but Caleb just turned down the hallway and didn’t answer. Lilith released a loud sigh. Men. This was why she was single, and had been single pretty much her entire life. Never mind that a lot of men found her kind of intimidating. She couldn’t say she didn’t understand. Sometimes, she found herself intimidating.
Lilith grumbled under her breath, picking her phone up off the floor and sliding it into a pocket, then standing up. There were a couple trash bags that needed to go out anyway, and she had things to do besides wonder what went on in Caleb’s head.
If he wasn’t careful, though, Morgyn would eventually give up on him. And Lilith didn’t think Caleb would handle that very well, considering how much he loved Morgyn right back.
“But what the fuck do I know,” Lilith grumbled under her breath, carrying the trash bag to the door. “It’s not like I’ve been around the entire time or anything. Don’t see it my ass-oh!”
As Lilith opened the door, she found there was someone else on the other side.
“Uh… hi,” Emilia said, somewhat shyly. “Do you remember me?”
“Yeah, I remember you,” Lilith answered.
“Right, I guess that was a frustrating ordeal,” Emilia said. “Sorry to just wander by, I found you in the phone book…”
Lilith released a breath, watching her for a moment, and then shuffled out into the hallway and dropped the trash bag down the chute. “Do you want to come in?” Lilith asked, turning back to Emilia. “You look like you could use some tea and a talk.”
“Yeah,” Emilia said, smiling. “If it’s not too much trouble, I’d like that.”
* * *
Unfortunately, since they were still missing their furniture for the most part, the two ended up standing around the living room, if one could really call that the living room. Lilith was quiet while she shuffled around the kitchen, making more tea. Emilia glanced around in curiosity.
“Are you moving?” she asked.
Lilith glanced at her over her shoulder, and then nodded. “Yeah, to Uptown, with some friends.”
Emilia blinked. “Isn’t Uptown really expensive?” she asked.
Lilith shrugged. “Between the six of us, I think we can manage just fine.”
“Six?” Emilia asked.
“My brother and I, the spellcaster across the hallway and his twin, our vampire friend, and the spellcaster’s girlfriend,” Lilith said. “I suppose you might know the Embers, Ezio and Morgyn?”
Emilia blinked. “You’re friends with them?” she asked.
“Yeah,” Lilith said, shrugging and pouring glasses of tea. “Been friends with them for a while. Ezio is really close with Drake, the vampire friend, and in turn he’s decently friendly with Morgyn. Drake’s our cousin, so we just sort of met. My brother’s dating Morgyn anymore.” Though, she got the feeling he may not stay dating the blond for much longer.
“Oh,” Emilia said softly. “You could’ve had Morgyn intervene. Minerva would’ve backed down if a sage got involved, I think.”
Lilith smiled, handing Emilia one of the two cups. “I solve my own problems,” she said.
“Admirable,” Emilia said, taking the cup. “If annoying for you.”
“It’s how I find any interest and challenge in life anymore, I guess,” Lilith said, settling against the counter.
Emilia looked surprised, and then glanced down at the floor. “You’re fairly old then, huh?”
“A few hundred, yes,” Lilith said.
“That seems like an impossible number,” Emilia said quietly.
Lilith shrugged. “It goes by faster than you’d think it would.” And anyway, presumably, Emilia wasn’t over to talk about Lilith’s age. “I’m sure you came over for a reason?”
Emilia blinked. “Oh, right,” she said. “I just, wanted to thank you properly, for saving Darrel.”
Lilith waited a moment, but then tilted her head. “I can sense a ‘but’ here…” she said.
The spellcaster smiled, looking down at her teacup. “It’s just… nothing changed,” she said.
Lilith looked thoughtful. “And you were expecting that something would?” Lilith asked.
“Yeah,” Emilia said. “The time without him, it kind of made me realise that there was nothing keeping me with him in the first place.”
“Weren’t you engaged?” Lilith asked. “That seems like pretty far to get with someone you’re not actually interested in.”
“It’s complicated,” Emilia said. “We were friends when we were kids. I could’ve been happy with him. Or at least, convinced myself I was. Minerva hardly liked me though. I became a spellcaster only because he was one, not because it was necessarily something I wanted for myself. All my life it’s been things I don’t necessarily want for myself. Things that are just good enough. I never liked Minerva either. And Darrel’s gay, anyway.”
Lilith looked a little displeased at the picture Emilia was painting. The other woman seemed to notice the look, and shook her head.
“I’m not saying they’re bad people,” Emilia said. “They’re just… not the right people. I thought, if he just woke up again and everything went back to the way it was, it’d all start to feel right again. And then I realised… it never had felt right in the first place.”
Lilith released a breath, taking a drink of tea and setting it onto the counter. “So, what’s next then?”
Emilia smiled. “University, I think,” she said. “I want a little more than just getting married and having kids. Stupid, isn’t it? I’m not a very smart person anyway. But I think I want to go into biology.”
“I don’t think it’s stupid. There are a lot of neat things to do with biology,” Lilith said. “Morgyn went that way, too.”
“Did he?” Emilia said. “Wouldn’t have imagined a sage being interested in science of all things.”
Lilith smiled. “He wants to save Ezio,” Lilith said.
“Oh,” Emilia said softly. “Yeah, that makes sense. And science is just magic that’s been explained anyway.”
Lilith snorted. “Yeah, that’s true. I’d figure you’d have been angry with me for shaking your life up like that.”
Emilia snorted, taking a drink of her tea and shaking her head. “If you hadn’t,” she said, “I don’t think I’d have noticed how unhappy I actually was. So as weird as it sounds, thanks for that, too. Feel free to shake my life up whenever you want.”
Lilith snorted. “I wouldn’t give me permission to do that if I were you.”
“I don’t know,” Emilia said. “Could be fun.”
“Could also give you blood pressure issues,” Lilith answered.
Emilia giggled. “Well, you’re a vampire,” she said. “You can just bite me and let some of the pressure out.”
* * *
“Just about ready to move in,” Ezio said, falling onto the floor and against a box. He and Drake’s apartment was cleaned out, and now it was just trying to figure out how to get the water stains from that time he’d iced the floor out. So far, nothing had worked and they may need to just bite the bullet. Or use illusion magic. It’d wear off eventually, but it’d be someone else’s problem.
Lilith smiled, and settled down against one of the counters. “Yeah,” she said. “We all managed to move pretty quickly, much quicker than I was expecting.”
“That’s for sure,” Ezio said. “But Drake and I don’t own much anyway, and most of what Morgyn owns is in magic realm.”
Lilith snorted. “The worst part was getting Caleb and I’s junk sorted through, again.”
“Yeah, strange you guys didn’t manage to get through it after moving here in the first place,” Ezio said.
Lilith rolled her eyes. “Caleb wanted to hold onto more stuff than I expected,” she said.
“He does seem like the sentimental type,” Ezio said.
“Hey, speaking of him,” Lilith said, “any idea what’s up with him and Morgyn right now?”
Ezio shook his head. “No idea,” Ezio said. “Morgyn’s not seemed upset about anything at least.”
“Well, if anyone would know if Morgyn was upset, I guess it’d be you,” Lilith said. “Caleb came in talking to me about something to do with Morgyn. I guess he’s not sure Morgyn loves him, and I’m really just not sure where this is coming from.”
Ezio shrugged. “Who knows,” he said. “Morgyn’s a really attractive person, kind of unfortunately is aware of it, and sort of grabs attention every time the idiot walks into a room. Maybe Caleb’s just feeling a little insecure about it.”
“It’s a silly thing to be insecure about now,” Lilith said. “It’s not like Morgyn suddenly got hotter over the last thirty years.”
Ezio laughed. “I don’t know, maybe the idiot kind of did. You know after the hormone treatments and stuff, it’s kind of like Morgyn’s a shape-shifter suddenly. Wildly cool, but I could see how that’d be problematic because now literally everyone is looking.”
Lilith shook her head. Who knew what Caleb was thinking? It was difficult for even her to figure out right now, and quite frankly, if that really was what Caleb was worried about, it was such a silly thing to feel insecure about. Morgyn hadn’t dated literally anyone before him, seemed to be waiting for him sometimes, and Lilith didn’t think suddenly the blond would decide Caleb wasn’t good enough or something.
“Our idiots are fucking idiots,” Lilith said, shuffling over to Ezio and flopping over onto his lap.
Ezio laughed again. “Yeah, I could’ve told you that, Lils,” he said. “That’s why they’re called idiots.”
“Do they have idiocy adjustment dials?” Lilith asked. “You know like how the thermostat has a temperature adjustment knob?”
“If they do,” Ezio said, “I have yet to find it.”
Lilith sighed. Of course, Caleb’s insecurities weren’t invalid or anything. He had every right to feel the way he felt. It didn’t change that they had come out of nowhere and had seemingly no logical basis, though. “I’m not sure how to deal with this one,” she said. “Caleb doesn’t seem to have any idea why he feels like this. Thinking about it, it was more like he didn’t know what he felt.”
“Mm, you can’t work that out for him, though,” Ezio said. “He’s gotta figure out what’s wrong enough to be able to tell you, at the very least. Give it some time. He’ll figure it out, and then you can just tell him he’s being dumb, or at least logic out the reasons why he shouldn’t be worried about anything.”
“Yeah,” Lilith said, breathing out. “But I really think he ought to talk to Morgyn, not me.”
“Probably,” Ezio said. “But you know, they both come to us first. I imagine probably because I operate as Morgyn’s filter half the time and you’re Caleb’s logic I guess.”
“… that’s fair I suppose,” Lilith said. “He is my emotions. Seems like a fair trade.”
Ezio snorted. “We’re all a little broken I guess. At least we’re all broken in different ways.”
“Is that a bright side?” Lilith asked.
“Sure,” Ezio said. “We can help each other with things that we’re good at, and have someone else to turn to for the things that we’re not.”
“When you say it like that,” Lilith answered, “it sounds really nice. At the moment, all I feel is frustration.” But then, Caleb was just, Caleb and he lost a lot of his sense when it came to Morgyn. Morgyn seemed to inspire this in most people; Ezio lost his sense when it came to Morgyn, too, just slightly differently.
“Morgyn’s not interested in someone else suddenly, right?” Lilith asked.
Ezio shook his head. “Not that I know of,” he said. “Though, Morgyn’s just kind of inherently a charming type, I guess. Morgyn knows how people work and knows how to work people, so I wouldn’t be surprised if Morgyn was just a little too friendly with a lot of people not thinking anything of it.”
“Caleb should be used to that, though,” Lilith said. “Ugh, I have no idea. Anyway. You and Cassandra have gotten really close suddenly.”
“Not suddenly,” Ezio said. “But I guess we have.”
“It’s nice to see,” Lilith said. “You swore off dating a long time ago, so it was surprising, but nice that you’re moving on from it.”
Ezio snorted. “You know what the problem was, right?”
Lilith shook her head.
“Most of the time, I ended up arguing with them about Drake,” Ezio said.
Lilith sat up, turning around to look at him. “Wait, seriously?”
Ezio nodded. “Even though we never put words to it, it was obvious,” he said. “I guess in a way I can understand Caleb, because Drake even just existing around me seemed to set mine off. Cassandra’s the first one I’ve dated that doesn’t make me feel like a thing that’s owned. And it’s probably my own fault.”
“No it’s not,” Lilith said. “Possession isn’t love, that’s just silly.”
Ezio looked at her like he wanted to argue, but he went quiet, instead. “Cassandra and Drake get along,” he said.
“Oh?” Lilith asked. “They’ve met and stuff?”
“I told Cassandra about him,” Ezio said. “And she wanted to meet him. She’s the first one that’s been interested in getting along with him, too.”
Lilith drew a breath in. “I think maybe I’m hearing you should keep this girl.”
Ezio snorted. “Yeah, I know,” he said. “And I intend to stay with her as long as she’s willing to put up with me. But you know, she seems to have a strangely realistic and yet still idealistic view of how things are. Eventually, she’s going to change her mind.”
“About what?” Lilith asked. Did he tell her something?
“About me,” Ezio said. “She was there when my heart acted up once. I told her everything. And she said she’d never leave because of that and I want to believe it. She’s twenty, Lilith, and seems pretty sheltered. Someday, it’s going to do a really bad flare and I’m going to end up in the hospital and I don’t think she really understands what she’s getting into with me.”
Lilith sighed. “Well, if she doesn’t,” Lilith said, “someday she will. And then you two can have a long talk.”
“Yeah,” Ezio said. “I guess so. You should see if you can get Caleb to talk himself into telling you what’s wrong.”
Lilith snorted. “Yeah, probably,” she said. “The only other option at this point is clobbering him over the head.”
* * *
This was going to be their last night in Culpepper Apartments.
In some sense, Lilith thought it was sort of sad. Yet, somehow, leaving Forgotten Hollow hadn’t been as sad as this was. There were memories here, though, memories that they’d built together, memories that Wolfsbane Manor didn’t have. She and Caleb had only lived there for a few years altogether, and had lived in Culpepper for only one, but this place was far more full of life than the other.
It was no wonder. For all that vampires weren’t undead, it was no wonder everyone thought otherwise.
As Lilith sat on the floor, flipping through one of their old photo albums (look at this old black and white photo of Lilith in a 1920’s flapper dress, and god what had she done with her hair back then), the door opened and Caleb came in. Lilith looked up at him, and then back to the photos.
“Welcome back,” she said. This photo was probably one of the earliest ones they had of Morgyn and Ezio, playing a game of checkers in magic realm. The photo was a little grainy, because magic realm interfered with technology a bit, but it was clear enough.
“Thanks,” Caleb answered, dropping his book bag on the floor by the door. “Who was that? The girl that came by.”
“Emilia,” Lilith answered.
“Someone I should get used to being by?” Caleb asked.
“She’s just the apparently former, fiancee of the guy I put into a coma,” Lilith said. “You had such interesting hair in the seventies. Look at it, it had a life of its own.”
Caleb shuffled over, sitting down and immediately made a face. “Why are you even going through that?” he asked, and then fell over onto his back.
“I found it cleaning things out,” Lilith said. “I like to look at old things, like photos, letters, journals… it helps me remember the things my mind wants to forget.”
“If it wants to forget it, maybe there’s a good reason why,” Caleb said.
Lilith looked up at him, closing the album. “The reason why is, my memory is terrible, and you know it.”
Caleb looked over at her, and then back at the ceiling. “What did Emilia want?” he asked.
“To thank me again,” Lilith said. “Apparently my shaking up her life made her realise she wants something else out of it.”
“That must be nice,” Caleb said, snorting.
Lilith sighed. “You’d know what you wanted too if you’d quit trying to force it.”
“I’m not trying to force anything,” Caleb said.
“Is that so?” Lilith asked, tilting her head at him. “Do tell me more about how you’re not trying to fit Morgyn into a mould you should be very aware Morgyn doesn’t fit into.”
“I’m not trying to,” Caleb repeated. “I’m just trying to figure out what I feel.”
Lilith went quiet, sliding the album into the box it’d come from. There was almost no sense in having this conversation as long as Caleb was this upset about it, but then maybe there was some merit in upsetting him. The truth tended to come out when he was.
“Obviously, you’re unhappy,” Lilith said. “I’m not sure why you’re not talking this out with Morgyn, but I suppose it’s hard to have this conversation with Morgyn when you can barely have it in your own head.”
Caleb snorted, but didn’t say anything, just rolled over on the floor.
“I just don’t understand why you’re having so much trouble with the idea Morgyn loves you,” Lilith went on. “Morgyn’s loved you for decades, just like you’ve loved Morgyn for decades, this doesn’t need to get more complicated than this.”
“I’m not trying to make it more complicated,” Caleb said. “I just don’t think it’s actually as simple as you’re trying to make it out to be.”
“And why not?” Lilith asked.
“Because it isn’t,” Caleb said. “Because this isn’t a fairy tale and love doesn’t just magically make everything okay.”
“No, but it’s a pretty solid start, Caleb,” Lilith said. “It means at least that you want to fight for each other. Unless you don’t still think Morgyn’s worth fighting for.”
“No,” Caleb said.
“No what?” Lilith asked. “You don’t think Morgyn’s worth fighting for or you don’t think either of you sees a reason to fight for each other?”
“No,” Caleb answered. “I don’t think Morgyn wants to fight for me!”
“Oh please,” Lilith said. “You and I both know if Morgyn had no interest in fighting for you, you two would’ve broken up a long time ago.”
To her surprise, Caleb immediately sat up, looking furious. “Then why the fuck is Morgyn still fucking around?” he demanded. “Why am I not good enough?”
And Lilith stared at him. He had to be joking, but, no, he didn’t seem to be, and Lilith couldn’t for the life of her understand why. She drew a breath in, raising a hand to the bridge of her nose. “Are you serious right now?” she asked.
“I don’t think it’s too much to ask that my… whatever we are, doesn’t fuck around on the side,” Caleb said.
“That is not even remotely the same thing, and you should know this,” Lilith said.
“Isn’t it?” Caleb asked.
Lilith’s gaze hardened. “Don’t go getting righteous now,” she said. “Morgyn’s been doing that for years before you, you knew that when you two started dating and you went for it anyway so as far as I’m concerned you agreed to it. It has absolutely nothing to do with the sex and everything to do with the money, anyway, you should know that too.”
“How do I even know that?” Caleb asked. “Morgyn’s been doing it for so long it’s hard to believe if Morgyn had a choice it wouldn’t be a thing. Here we are, decades later, and Morgyn’s still doing it.”
“And when exactly do you imagine Morgyn suddenly had a choice?” Lilith asked. “Ezio is dying, Morgyn needs somewhere to live that isn’t going to put undue financial stress on Ezio, and then Morgyn’s going through university. You’re in university too. You know it’s not cheap!”
“If Morgyn just asked,” Caleb said, “I could help.”
“Oh, and then Morgyn can owe you instead,” Lilith said. “Please.”
“It’s not like I’d care,” Caleb said. “I wouldn’t ask for anything back!”
“That’s not how it’d feel to someone as independent as Morgyn and you know it,” Lilith said. She released a breath. “Look, you chose a really weird, and bad time, to suddenly decide you’re not okay with this. It’s a job, Caleb. Maybe instead of deciding to be a selfish douchenozzle about it you support Morgyn’s attempts at getting out of it. I can’t imagine working it for so long has been remotely easy.”
Caleb didn’t say anything, just laid back down on the floor.
Lilith shook her head. “Quit trying to hold down the wind, idiot,” she said. “Or you’re going to lose it forever.”
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