Chapter 7: Your Love is Gonna Drown
Marching Bands of Manhattan, Death Cab for Cutie
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Shelving books seemed to be his thing. Simeon used to help, but now that he was one of the Sages, he didn’t have enough time to bother with it, and it fell to Ezio. Ezio didn’t mind. He didn’t have anything else to be doing right now. It turned out shelving books was a good excuse not to get caught up in conversations he had no interest in. Morgyn was the outgoing one. He smiled and nodded until the other party got bored and went away. Some would say it was a bad way of handling social encounters, but Ezio had never learnt a better way. Ezio didn’t like being rude, even without meaning to. Feigning interest where there was none might be rude, too. Ezio tried not to think about it too much. He didn’t need to be having a crisis over it, because that was the least of his problems.
Amid putting books back onto the shelf, he sensed something change. Ezio glanced at the window, but decided not to set the books down. Lilith could find him fine on her own, and that would be the better outcome. He had an arm full of books, and no interest in dropping them. He wondered if Morgyn had said something to Caleb about Jackson being here. Recruiting Lilith to badger him about Jackson seemed right up the blond’s alley. Morgyn tended to attempt to overwhelm opponents. Ezio wasn’t going to fall to that. This was why Ezio kept winning duels with the sage. Morgyn was the stronger of the two, but Ezio won. It was kind of embarrassing when your half-crippled brother kept whipping your ass.
“Hey Ezio,” Lilith’s voice came. She didn’t wait for a response before taking one of the stacks of books, and going to shelving them. “You look like you could use a hand.”
“Hey,” he answered. “I could use the help, yeah. Simeon’s busy of course.” Simeon was the nicest of the sages. L. had that attitude problem, and Morgyn was right behind her, even Ezio could admit that. He loved Morgyn, but the blond was on one these days. It wasn’t surprising that Simeon was the busiest of the three.
“Yeah, I’m sure he is,” Lilith answered. “He’s the nice one.”
Ezio snorted.
“Caleb’s busy in Caster’s Alley, so I figured I’d stop in and see how you’re doing,” Lilith explained. “I have good timing I see.”
“Yeah,” Ezio agreed, tone distracted. He spent a few moments looking for the spot the book in his right hand went. Once he found it, he slid the book into place, released a quiet sigh, and then started looking for the next book’s place.
Lilith watched him for a moment, and then smiled a little. “Jackson’s here, is he?” she asked.
Ezio glanced at her, and then turned back to the bookshelves. “How’d you guess that?”
“Your mood,” Lilith said. “There’s a special mood you get into when Jackson’s here.”
“Morgyn didn’t talk to you?” Ezio asked.
“Recently?” Lilith asked in return. “No. I’m not sure we’ve spoken in a while. Why?”
Ezio shrugged one shoulder. “Morgyn doesn’t like Jackson,” he said. “It’s exactly like Morgyn to recruit help in talking me into breaking up with him.”
Lilith laughed. “Yeah, Morgyn does try to do that overwhelming thing. Morgyn’s not said anything to me, though. What’s up?”
“I don’t know,” Ezio said, sighing. After a moment, he set the stack of books in his hands down on the floor, and sat down. “I’m trying to understand, but Morgyn’s not interested in explaining anything. That usually means the idiot can’t. You know how much trouble Morgyn has with wording things sometimes. I don’t know what else to do.”
Lilith was quiet for a moment, thinking. She glanced at him over her shoulder, slid a book onto the bookshelf, and then set her stack of books down as well. “Even if Morgyn can’t explain it,” she said, “you know as well as I do. Morgyn doesn’t dislike people for no reason. It’s possible, in this instance, the only thing to do is trust that Morgyn’s heart is in the right place.”
Ezio snorted. “It’s hard to do that when it feels like Morgyn’s trying to sabotage any shred of happiness I can find.”
“Oh, you know that’s not true,” Lilith said. “This is awfully persistent for wanting to sabotage you, though. Morgyn might be onto something.”
Ezio sighed, his feet shuffling on the wood floor. One arm rested across his knees, the other holding his chin up. “You know, I found out that Drake doesn’t like him, either.”
Lilith’s dark brown eyes narrowed, her head tilting a bit. “I trust Drake,” she said. “He tends to like everyone, too. It’s pretty telling that he doesn’t like Jackson.”
Ezio looked up at Lilith. Grey eyes turned to the wall, for a moment. He released another sigh. “So what do you think?” he asked.
“I don’t have an opinion,” Lilith answered.
“Sure you do,” Ezio said. “Everyone seems to have an opinion on my love life anymore. You know, I tried doing something nice for the two of us. I made dinner, set everything up, it took me hours. Jackson comes back and immediately goes to bed. Then, he comes back down, and expects everything to be okay. I was still hurt. I tried not to let it show, he calls me a whingy bitch, and we eat in silence. To say the least, I learn never to do that again.”
Lilith’s eyes saddened, as she listened to the story. At the end, she sighed. “Oh honey,” she said. “You deserve better than that. For the record, having feelings isn’t being whingy. Someday, you’ll find someone that appreciates all that effort. It’s not Jackson, that’s all.” It was a shame it wasn’t Jackson. He had no idea what he was missing, what he could have if he learnt not to be a jerk. That was his problem, though, not hers. It wasn’t even Ezio’s problem.
“Everyone says that,” Ezio said, groaning. “I don’t know what better is.”
Lilith snorted softly. “A good start could be someone that doesn’t make you so sad. Ezio, how many times does Jackson have to see Selvadorada before you understand that it’s possible it isn’t Selvadorada he leaves for?”
Ezio looked confused, for a moment, grey eyes casting to the floor. What else would he be leaving for? There were many things that came to mind, reasons that he may be leaving. If Ezio thought about it for a moment longer, he could come up with reasons for him not to want to stay here, no matter how much Jackson liked him. It was possible that Jackson didn’t like him, just like Morgyn always said. He could want something. Ezio didn’t know what he might want, but it didn’t mean there wasn’t another reason. Ezio turned to look at Lilith. She might have a better idea than he would.
Lilith, though, shook her head. “Don’t look at me,” she said. “I don’t date.”
That was true. In all the time Ezio knew her, she’d never dated anyone. That was Caleb’s thing, though he never stayed with any of them very long. Ezio had to wonder why that was, too, but he’d have to be blind not to know. Caleb liked Morgyn. Simply, he also liked spoiling people. He was a romantic at heart.
“Why is that, anyway?” Ezio asked.
Lilith shrugged a shoulder. “I haven’t found anyone I like. Well, I did have a crush on you,” she said. “That crush is still there, kind of. You’re pretty cute.”
Ezio couldn’t help the confused blink, grey eyes widening in surprise. That was news to him. On the other hand, he was always surprised to find others had a crush on him. He didn’t consider himself to be much of a catch.
“Hey,” Lilith said, “it doesn’t mean I want to date you. I think you’re cute. That’s it. Besides, you’re already in love with Drake.”
Ezio snorted. “Is it that obvious?” he asked.
“It is if you’re anyone but Drake, I guess,” Lilith answered.
No. Ezio thought Drake knew, too. He was ignoring it, that was all. Ezio would wonder why, but he’d decided a long time ago not to. It was less painful that way. “I do love him,” Ezio said quietly. “I love him more than is logical, sometimes. But it’s not fair to ask him to love me back.”
“And why’s that?” Lilith asked. She was curious. Drake and Ezio had so clearly been in love with one another for such a long time, the words hardly meant anything anymore. It was unlikely they needed to be said at all. The absolute avoidance of it was interesting to her, though.
“It’s always me,” Ezio said. “It’s always me that needs him. It’s never the other way around. And whatever it is that he’s meant for, I’d rather he found it, rather than spent too long on me.”
Lilith smiled to herself. Sometimes, Ezio was rather dense. It was hard to say if it was intentional or not. “Ezio,” she said, shifting her weight. “You might be surprised. I’m willing to bet he needs you, too, possibly more than even he knows. You don’t spend this long with someone only to walk away from them without a second thought. Love isn’t something you earn. It isn’t something people can be deserving or undeserving of. Love is for everyone. You just need to learn to accept it.”
Ezio looked down at the floor again. He never did learn how to do that. It was one thing with Morgyn. Ezio didn’t know how to push Morgyn out, not entirely, and even if he could figure it out, he didn’t want to. He’d lost Morgyn once, he wasn’t going to do it again, not because of his own stupid choices. Drake had been a constant for so long, there was barely any concern that someday he wouldn’t be, and this was stupid, too. Everything went away, someday. Even Drake. Ezio had never shoved Drake out, but neither had he ever truly let him in.
“I don’t know how,” Ezio said quietly.
Lilith smiled. “Sure you do,” she said. “You need to stop listening to this,” her hand raised and tapped her head. “And start listening to this.” Her hand lowered, tapping her chest. “Even when you don’t know how to love, how to accept it, your heart does. That’s what it was made for. Let it do what it was made to do.”
Morgyn’s students were starting to get awfully close to setting things not meant to be on fire ablaze. Most teachers would be upset with this outcome, but Morgyn was excited. It meant something was sinking in, even if that wasn’t quite what the sage had hoped would sink in. Morgyn supposed that didn’t matter. There were times to be picky about which victories one managed to win, and that time was not now. It was a victory, and Morgyn should be glad for any kind of victory in these early days. The blond still maintained there was a marked lack of teaching talent here, but Morgyn had already been vetoed a few times by now, and wasn’t interested in another one to add to the list.
All things considered, Morgyn could be worse at this, the blond had to give them that much. Ezio was biased, and seemed to believe that Morgyn could do no wrong. Everyone else’s stances were harder to explain. Morgyn had nothing for that one, save perhaps a misguided idea that the blond couldn’t be any worse than the raven-haired predecessor. There were a few truths about Aine and her disappearance that Morgyn had yet to explain to anyone. There was the chance, now that Morgyn thought about it, that part of why the blond couldn’t get Aine out of Morgyn’s head had more to do with the guilt.
It was surprising. The All had definitely seen that, or at least felt it. Why, exactly, the stupid thing had still chosen Morgyn as Aine’s replacement, that much the blond couldn’t figure out. That was probably the worst part, not knowing why it was Morgyn had inherited something the blond didn’t even want after that decision. Of course, left alone, Aine would’ve done a lot of damage, Morgyn knew that, and it was why, despite internal reservations and some hesitation, Morgyn had ultimately acted.
Morgyn didn’t know where Aine was. But Morgyn might have had more to do with her disappearance than the blond had admitted to. And for whatever reason, the All had not given Morgyn much time to be upset about it. it was probably for the best. Morgyn didn’t do well without something to use as a distraction, something to keep the mind, and preferably the hands, busy.
The sound of porcelain tapping against glass startled Morgyn out of the blond’s thoughts. Morgyn turned around, finding L. setting a cup onto one of the coffee tables, and then folding elegantly down into a chair. Morgyn had always envied her the grace with which she moved. Morgyn moved more deliberately, not fluidly, and it looked jerky and unrefined.
“I wasn’t expecting you,” Morgyn said.
“Oh, most don’t,” L. answered. “To say the least of it, dear, I’m an experience. I tend to simply happen, and everyone else adapts.”
Morgyn snorted. That was a mental image for the ages. The blond might also someday borrow that experience descriptor. Morgyn could sure be an experience sometimes, too. “If you say so,” the blond said.
“Have you figured out what to do with Ezio?” L. asked.
Morgyn frowned slightly, shuffling over to settle into the other seat. The movement, as Morgyn expected, wasn’t as fluid as L.’s movements. The blond reached out and took the cup. It seemed, for all that L. was surprised to find Morgyn remembered how she takes her coffee, L. remembered how Morgyn takes it, in turn.
“It’s been on my mind,” Morgyn answered, taking a drink. “But no.”
“I didn’t figure you had,” L. said, her legs crossing. “You can’t keep trying to protect him from everything, though. You’re doing both of you a disservice. Ezio’s stronger than you give him credit for. He can defend himself, you know.”
“Of course he can,” Morgyn said. “He defeats me in duels every time we get into them, and not because I let him, either. The problem is that he doesn’t.”
L. was quiet for a moment, considering that. Morgyn wasn’t wrong. Ezio seemed to have teeth when it came to everyone but himself, and L. wondered why from time to time. Ultimately, however, it was none of her business. Ezio had pains that L. would never understand, she’d known that for a long time. It was easy to see it, in his eyes, in the care with which he spoke sometimes. He knew what it was like to hurt, and took great care not to cause hurt for others. The world needed more people like him, yet at the same time, a world like this one could very easily destroy him.
It was no wonder Morgyn was so protective of him, but this was something L. had never wondered about.
“So you decided you would be his sword,” L. said.
“Someone needs to be,” Morgyn replied, shrugging.
“I find Drake often is,” L. said. Drake was the first one to rise to Ezio’s defence, should Morgyn be absent, and at times, even when Morgyn was there. L. didn’t think Drake could operate in any other manner. His life, too, seemed to have been built around Ezio, but he was another matter. Drake was a different, but similar problem, one that L. would worry about later. One disaster at a time.
“Of course he is,” Morgyn said. “I think he’d forget how to breathe if Ezio wasn’t there to remind him how, and funny enough that wouldn’t even kill him.” It would be markedly uncomfortable, however. Morgyn fell silent, for a moment, watching the coffee in the cup. “I think I’m afraid of losing him,” the blond admitted.
L. looked mildly impressed. “I know that,” she said. “You’re getting better at listening to yourself, though. That deserves congratulations.”
“Does it?” Morgyn asked, green eyes flicking over to L.
She snorted. “It does,” she said. “It takes some people many times longer to even begin figuring this part out. I should think you started to listen to yourself long before Aine was gone. It’s good. It means you’re not completely lost without her, and can learn to move forward on your own.”
“It’s mostly Ezio that I cling to,” Morgyn said. “Even when she was here, Ezio was the one I listened to.” Though Ezio never did like her, he didn’t speak against her or contradict anything she said unless he felt very strongly about it. It meant, even in the depths of Morgyn’s hero worship of her, when Ezio contradicted her, Morgyn listened anyway.
L. smiled. It was a good thing Ezio was a positive influence. Morgyn was the wild one, not Ezio. Twins were born together for a reason, everyone believed that. Varying cultures around the world had many different fascinating explanations for why twins were possible. L. always figured, personally, that they were born together so that they were never alone. Some souls were so susceptible to the cold grip of loneliness that they split in two for fear of it. L. had met many people over the years, many of them siblings, but she had never met a pair of siblings that clung to one another as tightly as the Embers did.
She wondered if they knew where they came from. One thing at a time, though.
“You can’t stop Ezio from living what life he has because you’re afraid of losing him,” L. said, one hand swirling her coffee around in the cup. Morgyn looked down at the floor. “It’s not fair to him, nor to you, for that matter. You have your own problems anyway.”
The blond snorted, looking up at L. “What, you mean that I’m apparently a crossdresser?”
L. didn’t even try not to roll her eyes, gaze turning up to the glass above the balcony. “No, I mean that you’re not female,” L. said. “There’s no such thing as crossdressing, Morgyn, clothing doesn’t have a gender. It’s just a term very small, insecure men made up to make themselves feel better validated and properly masculine, when the reality is they don’t even know what masculinity is. That’s the problem with people that don’t know what something means trying to define it. More often than not, they simply make themselves look like jackasses, and make life harder for the rest of us. It’s quite tragic, really.”
Morgyn stared at her for a moment. “You know, sometimes I get weirdly accustomed to you being relatively kind to me, and then you remind me that behind your pretty smile lie a number of poison daggers.”
“Oh sweetie, poison is so last century,” L. said, smirking. “We skip the games and go straight to stabbing nowadays. You think my smile is pretty?”
Morgyn snorted lightly, setting the coffee cup down on the table. “I do,” Morgyn said. “I think most peoples’ smiles are pretty. There’s a way people light up when they smile, truly smile, it’s got a strange way of making everyone else feel a bit lighter, I think. Yours does, too. Sometimes it’s more concerning than anything, but I think it’d be more concerning if you didn’t smile at all.” Morgyn paused for a moment, and then looked up at L. “I want to argue with you, about what you said about crossdressing. But you’re literally not wrong.”
“You want to argue because society tells you that you should,” L. said. “But you don’t really believe it, that’s why you have no argument to make. A lot of things are like that. A lot of people believing the same thing is a very tricky ordeal. Statistics and logic tell you that they should be correct, but more often than not, they are very wrong. These kinds of ideologies and mindsets are based on outdated standards from the days humans were arranged in roving tribes. These mindsets were rooted in different is dangerous, a concept that preserved many a tribe over the centuries, to be sure, but is no longer valid in modern society, and isn’t necessarily valid in the context of how someone looks, anyway. Some people are simply better at outgrowing these things than others.”
Morgyn thought about that, for a moment. “So what am I?” Morgyn asked. “Male?” There still wasn’t anything but male or female.
“There’s something called genderqueer,” L. explained. “It is the concept that one’s gender identity and expression is not constrained by the male-female dichotomy, but rather that it exists outside of it. I believe you’re somewhere in that grey area.”
Morgyn must have made some kind of face, because L. snorted.
“That sounds unnatural, no?” L. asked. “I can see it in your face. Most react the same way the first time they hear things like this, but you are not the first to exist outside the societal gender dichotomy, and you won’t be the last. Consider that gender itself is a societal construct. It is used as a mutually intelligible means of communicating to other humans what exactly is in your pants. Why we feel the need to identify ourselves by such arbitrary means is for someone better than me to understand, because I think I never will. Grating individuals typically of the masculine persuasion, though this is frequently perpetrated by people of other genders, constructed social roles and expectations that were to be filled by either side of the gender dichotomy. Existence outside of, or challenging of these constructed social roles and expectations, are persecuted, because humans like their little labels and dislike it when things go in unexpected ways, but nature does not and has never stayed within these arbitrarily placed lines.
“It is not eschewing of the gender dichotomy that is unnatural. It is attempting to enforce it like it is the way things are meant to be. Nature tells us otherwise. There are many creatures out there that display no true gender whatsoever, that reproduce without sex at all, that shift fluidly and sometimes biologically between one sex and another as needed. The idea that gender and its expression is a simple matter of a this-way or a that-way sounds like something you’d teach a child as an introduction to the concept of gender itself before getting into the complexities later. It’s almost as if humanity collectively decided that the vast expanse of possibilities with gender and gender expression blew their poor little minds, and they all gave up on it.”
Morgyn was quiet a moment, waiting to see if L. had anything else to say. When she was quiet for a few moments longer, Morgyn released a breath. “You have some feelings about this.”
“I do,” L. said. “We all want ways of identifying ourselves and expressing uniquely, and finding healthy ways to do so that feel right is important. But none of us are quite as unique as we’d like to believe. It’s a good thing. It means none of us are ever as alone as we feel, either.”
As he usually wasn’t, Jackson wasn’t there after breakfast. Most of the time, even when he was spending time in magic realm, he was a rare sight. Ezio liked to internally complain about the sudden lack of personal time when Jackson was around, but for the most part, Ezio wouldn’t even notice the difference. Sometimes, he thought he made these things up in his head, these problems that didn’t exist, so that he had something else to focus on and think about.
Truth be told, Ezio didn’t know how relationships were supposed to work. He had no examples. Morgyn had never been in a relationship before, and Ezio didn’t remember their parents anymore. There were small snatches of them here and there, but their names were long gone, and all Ezio had retained were split second memories of their mother singing, and that their father always smelled strongly of evergreens. He knew that relationships were about compromise. That you had to give a little and get a little, and the two were best kept in balance. Even if he didn’t love someone, it didn’t mean they weren’t deserving of his trying to make things work, so even when it felt like everything was going wrong, Ezio still tried to make it work. He believed that, any two people could, if they tried. He may not have understood a lot of things, but what Ezio did understand of love told him that it wasn’t some magical event. Love was something you worked towards, something that had to be tried for.
Morgyn would tell him that he was too kind and too patient. But these were things that Ezio wanted in return. It didn’t seem fair to demand those things and then not be willing to offer them. Besides, the world could always use a little more kindness and a little more patience.
This morning, he’d come down for breakfast, spent a little time talking with Morgyn before they both had things to do, and then it was putting away more books. It seemed that was all he ever did, putting away books, but Ezio enjoyed the time to himself, just him and the books. He loved books, because everyone had a story to tell, and they were all worth writing down and remembering. By remembering, humans learnt and changed, and with any luck, became better. That was a bit optimistic, wasn’t it?
Between one stack of books and another, Ezio sat down on the floor, taking a break. L. wandered past the entryway, nodding and waving at him as she went. He smiled in return, watched her go, and then a thought crossed his mind. L. was one of those people that others considered to be an unpleasant person to talk to. People called her mean and rude, but in Ezio’s experience, she was simply honest, and true it was that sometimes, honesty was painful. But Ezio could use some honesty, about now.
He shot up onto his feet, scurrying out the doorway. “Wait, L.,” he said.
She paused in the hallway, turning to face him as he scrambled to stand beside her. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Ezio answered. “I was wondering if you had a second, to talk.” Even when L. and Morgyn weren’t speaking, she talked to Ezio sometimes, and they were decently friendly, at least. And she’d tell him the truth, nothing else in there, no extra feelings, no other circumstances, just the truth. Right now, Ezio very much needed the truth, even if he didn’t like it.
“Sure,” L. answered. “Are you sure you’re alright?”
“I’m fine,” Ezio repeated. “I thought maybe you’d have a better idea than I do, why Morgyn doesn’t like Jackson.”
L.’s eyes flashed slightly in perhaps annoyance, but Ezio couldn’t quite decide. “I see,” she said. “Besides the fact that he’s a slick mother fucker, seems to be aware that he is, does occasionally very skeevy things, says other things that throw up a lot of red flags, and is pretty much never here despite you being here? Nope, not a clue. Why?”
Ezio let out a snort. That was quite blunt, actually, but that was precisely the response he was looking for, too. “You too?” he asked.
L. released a sigh, reaching over and resting a hand against Ezio’s arm. “If you keep hearing something, sometimes it doesn’t mean anything at all. People think the same thing all the time, it doesn’t make them right. But it does mean that they may be seeing something that you’re not.”
Ezio looked down at the floor. He wondered why he didn’t think about this before. It was possible that he didn’t want to, because it meant facing the reality that things weren’t as great as he believed, because it meant making tough decisions that he wasn’t sure he could handle. He couldn’t keep running to Morgyn and Drake when he couldn’t deal with something. They would let him, yes, but he needed to learn to do it on his own, or he would never stop needing them. They both deserved a life he wasn’t a major part of. He wanted that for them, even if they didn’t.
“You know Morgyn wouldn’t put you through this if Morgyn didn’t believe very strongly that it was the right thing,” L. said. “And I know it won’t be easy, but if you ever need me, I’m here too, and always willing to listen. Or punch someone, I might be decent at punching someone. Needs more testing.”
Ezio snorted in amusement. “Thanks, L.”
“You’re one of the better humans, Ezio,” L. said. “Don’t let some stupid boy drag you down.” There were plenty of boys in the world, and some of them weren’t stupid.
“I’m not,” Ezio said.
That one remained to be seen, but, L. didn’t argue that. “Just remember that Morgyn needs you.”
Ezio looked up at her. “I don’t think so. Morgyn could be things that I’ll only ever dream of, Morgyn doesn’t need me.”
“Oh, yes,” L. argued. “Yes Morgyn does need you. Quite bluntly, sometimes, you are the only thing standing between Morgyn and the abyss of utter destruction, and I’m not certain if it will be Morgyn’s destruction, or ours.”
Ezio tilted his head. “That’s a bit dramatic, don’t you think?” Sure, Morgyn had a temper, occasionally made some rash decisions, dove headlong into things without thinking, but Ezio didn’t believe Morgyn had it in there to destroy too many things. And even if Morgyn did have a notably destructive side, sometimes destruction was a good thing. Clearing out a forest’s underbrush paved the way for the forest to grow stronger. Tearing down old things made way for new ones. Destruction wasn’t bad, necessarily.
“You and I both know it’s not,” L. said. “You may close your eyes to it, but it doesn’t change the reality. Morgyn is a terribly destructive force, and that force must be focused and honed, or it will go out of control and destroy everything. You’ve seen it before. The side of Morgyn that has more trouble deciding what to destroy rather than whether to.”
Ezio released a sigh, running a hand through his hair. “Honestly, Morgyn loves life too much, loves people. I have more likelihood of losing it than Morgyn does.” Ezio didn’t have the same attachment to people, had been through hell and come back, and the problem with people like that, that had been to hell and back, they brought back with them the knowledge that they could make it. That, despite other people and life itself trying to tear them down, they’d survive, and when they realised that, they learnt there was nothing to be afraid of. Ezio wasn’t much, but he was a survivor. Despite so many attempts to tear him down so far, he’d stood up again after all of them.
“You?” L. asked, snorting. “I can’t see it.”
Ezio arched an eyebrow, looking a hair exasperated, and released a soft puff of air. “L., it’s me that needs Morgyn,” he said. “When I’m strong, it’s because of Morgyn. When I don’t run, it’s because of Morgyn. Morgyn doesn’t need me. I need Morgyn.” Maybe there were times when Morgyn started to get tired, and needed him. But Morgyn had Caleb, too. That wasn’t something only Ezio could do, and it was sad to him, how Morgyn had become convinced that Ezio was necessary, but it was holding the blond back. If Ezio had to guess, it had something to do with him, too, why Morgyn didn’t want to be a Sage. Ezio was only in the way.
“Thanks for listening,” Ezio said, reaching over and resting a hand against L.’s wrist for a moment. “I have a bunch of books to put back, so I’ll let you get back to what you were doing.”
Ezio went back down the hall, returning to the bookshelves. L. crossed her arms. He had no idea what he meant to Morgyn.
The worst part was that L. was right, and Ezio knew it. He didn’t want to, but he’d been thinking about it since he and L. had their talk. He knew Morgyn wouldn’t fight him so hard, if the blond didn’t believe that it was the right thing to do and there was no other way. Ezio’s stress levels had to be carefully managed. Getting him too worked up and stressed out, if Drake was to be believed, could kill him, and Morgyn wouldn’t risk that without very good reason. The question, then, was not whether Morgyn was right or not, it was whether Ezio saw a reason to bother trying to make things right.
Ezio presumably wouldn’t live long. He’d never admit it out loud, with words, but maybe part of why he dated was because he didn’t want to be alone for the rest of his life. Perhaps it wasn’t fair, using someone else’s lust against them like that, but it was a relatively fair trade. He got companionship, no matter how sparse it was, and all he had to do was lie still from time to time. Someday, maybe he’d want more than that. Maybe he did already, and had only convinced himself this was good enough. He may never know. It wasn’t like really it mattered.
He sat in bed, reading a book. He was usually reading a book, if he wasn’t downstairs putting books away or playing with the chess board, so when Jackson came in, he wasn’t surprised in the least. Jackson paused long enough to shuffle over to Ezio, kiss his temple, and then went into the bathroom. “Sorry I’m late today,” he said.
Was he late? If he hadn’t said anything, Ezio wouldn’t have noticed. “It’s fine.”
“I got caught up helping in Caster’s Alley,” he said, ducking through the bathroom doorway. “They had one of the cat familiars get stuck in the rafters. Caleb wasn’t out there today, so I was the only really tall one out there.”
“You could’ve levitated it,” Ezio said.
There was a notable pause of silence. “… I did not think of that,” Jackson said quietly. “Yeah, but it’s more fun to climb the rafters,” he said, louder that time.
Ezio laughed quietly under his breath. “You didn’t hurt yourself at least, right?” he asked.
“Nah,” Jackson answered. “And the fluff ball is safely back on the ground. You’d think if a cat can get up there, it can get back down, right?”
Ezio snorted. “You would occasionally be wrong,” he said. Unless, of course, the cat was perfectly capable of getting down, and simply did not want to at the time. Cats rarely ever did something they didn’t decide they wanted to do.
“Apparently,” Jackson said. He peeked through the doorway at Ezio. “How’s your day been, babe?”
Quiet. Boring. Something of a mess. “Fine,” Ezio said. “Mostly spent it downstairs putting books back.”
“Again?” Jackson asked.
“Of course,” Ezio answered. “No one can remember to put their books back when they’re done. I’m starting to consider an elastic spell that will pull the books back onto the shelf where they’re supposed to be if they’re off it too long or something.”
“You think you can do that?” Jackson asked.
“Sure,” Ezio replied. “Would require some testing so it doesn’t pull the book back while it’s being read, of course, but I think I could do it after a while. I have enough time on my hands anyway.” The only thing he did was read, sleep, play chess, and put books back. Then Jackson came back, and he did whatever it was Jackson wanted to do. Speaking of, Ezio reached over onto the side table to grab the bookmark on it, and slide it into the pages. He’d be busy with something else here in a minute, he was sure. The book was closed, and set onto the table.
“Sounds like something to mess with I guess,” Jackson said. “Morgyn and I spoke the other day.”
“Did you?” Ezio asked.
“And she threatened me.”
Ezio arched an eyebrow, resting his head against a hand. So what did Jackson do to elicit that? Morgyn was a little chaotic sometimes, but the blond didn’t just threaten people without a good reason to do so. The only logical conclusion, thus, was that Jackson had done something to deserve it. Of course, even hinting that he believed it was Jackson’s fault might set off his temper. He should word things delicately. “I see,” he said. “That’s not really great.”
“No,” Jackson said. “I’m not terribly afraid of her, actually, so it didn’t bother me that much, but you might want to mention it. Not everyone is me.”
No, Ezio didn’t suppose everyone was Jackson. “Don’t worry so much about Morgyn,” he said.
“Oh, I don’t,” Jackson answered, shuffling out of the bathroom wearing something else. Jackson slipped into bed, his arms wrapping around Ezio’s waist, lips pressing against Ezio’s neck gently. “I do wonder how a woman got so mouthy though,” he said. “Maybe she needs a boyfriend.”
Jackson completely missed it, when Ezio’s jaw set and his nostrils flared in annoyance. That was a disgusting mindset, to begin with, and beyond that, perhaps it didn’t matter what gender Morgyn was. It was a disgusting mindset. It didn’t need qualifiers. Ezio could feel frost spreading through his hair. He took a breath in, focusing on the magic and pulling the ice out, and it disappeared.
“I’ll talk to Morgyn later,” Ezio said. “Morgyn’s just got a temper is all. Can we talk about something else?” It was either they changed the subject, or Ezio was going to end up freezing Jackson on accident. It wasn’t every day Ezio lost control of his magic.
“Whatever you want, baby,” Jackson murmured against Ezio’s skin. “We can talk about how hot you are…” Kisses trailed across Ezio’s shoulder.
Ezio never did respond to it, but still Jackson tried, and Ezio wasn’t sure if that was a show of stubbornness, narcissism, or something else entirely. “Am I?” Ezio asked, his voice instinctively dropping into that lower register, paired with vocal vibrations that almost sounded like a purr, or at least as close to it as a human throat could make.
“You definitely are,” Jackson answered, his eyes already sparkling with desire.
See how easy that was? All Ezio had to do was hold still from time to time, make some choice noises, and loneliness wasn’t a problem.
Ezio was too busy rearranging the bookshelves again, though this time he was using magic for something. Morgyn hadn’t stopped to ask. If Ezio wanted to talk about it, he could decide to on his own, and Morgyn had, unfortunately, other things to be doing. The blond was getting better at teaching, now that the initial fear reaction of never having time for Ezio anymore had come and gone. It was still there, in the back of the blond’s mind, but it was easier to ignore it now that some time had passed.
How long had Morgyn been a Sage for, anyway? Now that the blond was thinking about it, there was no answer for that. Morgyn supposed it didn’t matter too much. There was time to wonder about that later. Knowing L., the Sage of Mischief Magic would remind Morgyn how long the blond had been a sage when she threw a surprise anniversary party or something like that next year. Morgyn did and did not like surprise parties. Parties were nice. Surprises tended to be terrible.
The blond waited patiently in Caster’s Alley, for Caleb to be done talking to whoever that was. Morgyn was, at least, never in enough of a hurry to demand attention right that second, and could wait. Besides, it was nice to be outside of headquarters. After a point, that place got stuffy and oppressive. Or perhaps Morgyn was just a free spirit and hated the feeling of being tied down. By anything. Unless that thing was Ezio, so it’d seem.
The cats were running around chasing each other on the other side of the Alley. Caster’s Alley, aside from being a lovely row of shops, also acted as an unofficial duelling grounds, and the place where stray familiars came. Many of them were feline or canine, but there were several that were magical in nature. Leaf-nosed bats liked to hide in the upper floors of the shops, though they didn’t as much anymore, now that the vortex had moved further in and started to destroy the upper floors. Morgyn wondered about the vortex, as did most in magic realm. Somehow the sages kept it away from the core of the realm, but it wasn’t enough now, and eventually, it wouldn’t be enough at all.
“Morgyn,” Caleb’s voice called. “Nice to see you.”
Right. Morgyn was next in line. The blond looked away from the other shops, and turned to face Caleb. It was a gimmick that the shop owners out here liked to do, turning everyone into spectral visions. It was supposed to draw in business, but it just managed to be gimmicky. He looked okay. Caleb was probably Morgyn’s best friend. That only started because Ezio and Lilith talked a lot. By nature, it eventually led to Caleb and Morgyn talking a lot, and he was the only one that didn’t look at Morgyn like the blond was the hottest thing on two legs.
Funny, though; Morgyn kind of wished he was attracted to the blond. He was at least respectful about things like that, and someone being respectful for once would be a nice change of pace.
“Hey,” Morgyn greeted back. “Yeah, nice to be seen. Sorry, I’ve been way busy.”
“No, hey, congratulations on the promotion of a sort, oh!” Caleb ducked out for a moment, and then came back with a small bag of sage. “Ezio came by and bought some sage and mandrake, and I shorted him on accident, if you could bring that to him that’d be great. What’d you need?”
“Uh.” That was a great question. Somehow, the light had caught Caleb’s eyes and made them shine for a second, and Morgyn had… what was Morgyn here for? No, wait, that was stupid, Morgyn was stupid, “Um, valerian,” the blond said, making a face, green eyes screwing shut in annoyance-embarrassment.
Caleb laughed slightly. “Valerian it is, coming right up,” he said, shuffling back around.
The sudden absence of him was both welcome and strange. Sometimes, being around him did things like that. Sometimes it felt like the blond had eaten a bolt of lightning, just being around him. And his presence made Morgyn both more tense, and less. It was kind of stupid. Morgyn both loved the effect Caleb had on the blond, and hated it. Still, just like with Ezio, Morgyn never felt like Caleb was making premature judgements, or had come to conclusions without Morgyn’s input.
Caleb came back, and handed Morgyn a small bundle of valerian. Morgyn smiled. “Thanks,” the blond said, handing Caleb a few coins in return.
“No wonder you smell like those,” Caleb said. “Always using them for something.”
Morgyn snorted. “Well, you know, everyone likes love potions and age freezing.”
“You don’t actually make either of those for people, do you?”
“When I was younger and more of an asshole,” Morgyn said, “I used to bottle up water and red food colouring, and tell them it was my special love potion. I made a decent amount of money that way, though Aine got annoyed by it.”
“Did anyone ever figure it out?” Caleb asked.
“Nope,” Morgyn answered. “Sometimes you just need a little confidence, that’s all. Most people that ask for love potions, they just want what they believe to be a backup, they don’t need it.”
Morgyn fiddled with the valerian flowers, arranging them neatly in their container. Caleb was quiet for a moment, and Morgyn eventually looked up at him to find him staring at the blond with a weird intensity in his gaze. “… what?” Morgyn asked.
“Nothing, sorry,” Caleb said, looking down at the counter. “I was just thinking about something. How are you adjusting to being sage now anyway?”
“It’s been rocky,” Morgyn answered, just glad he wasn’t staring at the blond like that anymore. Some of the tension in Morgyn’s shoulders relaxed. “Ezio thinks I’m doing fine, but I think I’ve ruined a few peoples’ lives by now.”
Caleb snorted. “You wouldn’t be you if you didn’t.”
“I should be offended, probably, but you’re right,” Morgyn said, laughing. “Well, Jackson’s by now, so I’ve been avoiding Ezio a bit. He’ll be gone soon anyway, he always is.”
“Yeah, Jackson never stays long,” Caleb said.
“Thankfully. I hate him.”
“That’s a bit strong, isn’t it?” Caleb asked.
“No,” Morgyn answered. “Not strong enough. Ezio adores him for some reason, but all I see is a guy that wants something and isn’t afraid to play with fire to get it.”
Caleb made a face. “You might be biased,” he said.
“I’m not,” Morgyn answered. “He’s up to something, I just can’t figure out what. Of course, this means I’m almost constantly at war with Ezio when he’s around, because Ezio adores him and I hate him. … you don’t think I’m being a bitch, do you?” Morgyn asked, pausing in the arrangement of the valerian flowers to look up at Caleb.
“I. Wow.” That was an unexpected question. How was he supposed to answer that without getting himself set on fire? “… I… Think you love Ezio very much, and are being protective of him. Which isn’t a bad thing!” he hastily added, holding his hands up. “But sometimes you gotta step back, too?” Was that the right thing to say? That was always hard to guess with Morgyn. The right thing to say seemed to depend on the day.
“Ugh,” Morgyn said, groaning slightly. “You’re right, and I know it.”
“Maybe try being honest with Ezio about why you don’t like Jackson,” Caleb suggested.
“I would,” Morgyn said. “If I knew why myself. He just rubs me all the wrong ways, and I can’t tell my brother Hey I hate your boyfriend because reasons and hunches, that sounds stupid.”
“Does it?” Caleb asked. “I think he might understand better than you think.”
“This is big, Caleb,” Morgyn said. “I need a solid argument, not feelings and intuition.”
“Your intuition is rarely ever wrong, though.”
“I know. That’s why I’m not ignoring it,” Morgyn said, leaning against the counter. “Hey, Caleb?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you think there’s a such thing as crossdressing?”
Caleb was so startled, he laughed. Morgyn looked a little hurt. “No! No sorry,” Caleb said, “I’m not laughing at you, it’s just I wasn’t expecting that question, wow.” It wasn’t every day that question was asked, after all.
“So?” Morgyn asked. “Do you?”
“No, definitely not,” Caleb said. “But I mean, I steal Lilith’s eyeliner from time to time so maybe I’m not the best guy to ask. And I daresay her eyeliner looks great on me.”
Morgyn laughed. “I guess,” the blond said. “Oh, anyway, sorry, I gotta go. Thanks.” Morgyn gave one more smile, and then ran off for the portal that led back to headquarters. Caleb loosed a long sigh. He didn’t know if Morgyn would ever see him as more than a friend, but even just this much… it was enough.
Morgyn smiled the whole way back to headquarters. Caleb was oddly charming, and had a way of making the blond smile even when Morgyn was in the worst of moods. It was a shame he didn’t seem to be interested. If he asked the blond out, Morgyn was sure he’d get a yes.
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