Chapter 30: I Just Want to Feel Alive

Face Up, Lights

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When Ezio woke up, he was still lying partially in Drake’s lap, using his leg as a pillow. Ezio blinked up at him, a bit confused, but Drake had apparently just gone on writing whatever it was he was working on this time. Here and there, Ezio would read the books Drake published, and he tried to be covert about it. It seemed like something that might be embarrassing for him, because Drake was strange that way, but Ezio found it kind of adorable.

He’d asked Cassandra, of course, why she wanted to keep him, but then when he thought to himself about why he’d been so insistent on keeping Drake, he had no answers. The words didn’t want to formulate in a manner that made any sense, and really, Ezio didn’t care if they did or not. When he imagined the future, there was Morgyn, and there was Drake, and Ezio never had a reason to question that. Maybe that meant they’d become more of a habit than anything, something that was and they simply didn’t question it. Maybe that wasn’t any better than some of the less impressive reasons for staying together he’d ever heard.

Things changed, though. There was something about what she’d said that bothered him, in hindsight, but just like how Morgyn bringing up all his problems set his nerves on edge for reasons that he couldn’t put words to, Ezio couldn’t figure out what it was, exactly, about her answer that bothered him. And maybe it didn’t matter, and he was just being stupid about it. What was so wrong with him that he couldn’t just be happy for once?

Because he wasn’t really happy, right?

Ezio released a sigh, his hair moving with his breath. Drake looked down at him. “Good morning,” he said quietly.

Ezio smiled slightly. “Morning,” he answered, trying not to talk too loudly. It wasn’t like it really bothered Ezio, but Drake’s senses were a bit stronger than his weak little human ones. Ezio always wondered, somewhere in the back of his head, what it’d be like to be a vampire and have stronger senses. Was it that different? It made logical sense to him, that eventually you’d get used to it, and it’d become normal to you. Or maybe he was thinking about it in the wrong way.

Ahh, what was it that he’d thought just before he passed out? Right, he didn’t want to like Cassandra, because she was too good for him, like Drake was. Strange thing to think about. But he’d always felt that way. Drake was the literal answer to his prayers, more or less, and even if it’d taken some time, Drake had gotten him out of France. Ezio owed him his life many times over. Ezio himself wasn’t enough to repay that with.

But, from time to time, he wondered. What things would be like, if he told Drake how he felt. By now, he had to know. It wasn’t like Ezio wasn’t really obvious sometimes, at least, if you knew how to read him, and Drake always had. Communicating with Ezio seemed to be a matter of understanding what he didn’t say as well as what he did say, because he spoke without using words sometimes.

Ezio rolled over slightly, still resting against Drake’s leg, to blink at his laptop. It was seven in the morning. Well, it was Sunday, there was no rush in getting out of bed anyway. He did have to wonder if Morgyn had come home last night at any point, or if the blond had stayed with Caleb.

“Is Morgyn back yet?” Ezio asked, grey eyes glancing up at Drake.

“Not yet,” Drake answered. “I imagine Morgyn probably fell asleep over there and Caleb just let it alone.”

Ezio released a snort, smiling slightly. “Yeah, probably. It’s nice that they’re dating finally.” They’d only been all but undressing each other with looks for literal centuries, but hey, what the fuck did Ezio know? “Morgyn asked again,” he said.

Drake looked down at him again, and back to the laptop screen. “About France?” he asked.

“About France,” Ezio said, with a heavy sigh. “This is getting ridiculous.”

Drake made a noise, and then leaned back in his seat. “Morgyn probably already knows what happened, if he thinks about it.”

Ezio glanced up at Drake, and then shrugged and laid his head back down. Maybe. Probably, even, because Morgyn wasn’t stupid, just liked to pretend otherwise, particularly when it came to what happened in France. Ezio didn’t like thinking about it. He didn’t know where to start even if he wanted to talk about it, and sometimes he did. Other times, he’d much rather pretend that part of his life had never happened.

There were times when he couldn’t remember enough of it to believe that it ever had happened anyway. And then, he woke up screaming and for just a few seconds he was sixteen all over again, and there went that. He remembered. He remembered just fine. Ezio just wished he didn’t.

“I don’t think it’s the thing itself that matters,” Ezio said. “I don’t think Morgyn really wants to understand it. It seems like Morgyn just wants to make it go away.” Well, Ezio would be the first one to admit it, yeah, it was pretty damned inconvenient, so he understood why Morgyn didn’t like any of it. Ezio didn’t, either. It just wasn’t that simple, that was all. Even now, he still didn’t know how to deal with it, so, he didn’t. He didn’t talk about it, he didn’t even try. He didn’t shuffle through it in his head because where did he start? It wasn’t like there were guidebooks for this kind of thing (or maybe there were and Ezio just didn’t know what side of the bookstore that’d be on).

If he thought about it, he knew he had to deal with it eventually, he couldn’t just ignore it forever, but he was supposed to die ten years ago. Obviously that hadn’t happened, and now here he was, living a life he didn’t know how to, a life he wasn’t even supposed to have. Where was the end of it? Did he want to start trying to make changes and adjustments, try and heal a little, only for it all to be ripped out from under him? Then, he knew that dying with regrets wouldn’t be a good idea either.

Morgyn made it sound so easy, but when Ezio stared at this gigantic mountain of things that he hadn’t dealt with, it felt insurmountable and overwhelming. And he decided, he’d rather stay down here, and not even try to get up there. At least he knew how things worked, down here. He knew who he was. Maybe he’d become someone else, if he ever got up there on top of that mountain of things to deal with.

Morgyn didn’t really understand. All the same, it wasn’t like Ezio had tried to explain anything, either. Well, no. He used to try, back when the memories were fresh and new, and so much more painful than they were now.

There was a reason Ezio hated Aine, after all. The person she almost turned Morgyn into, that was a good place to start on figuring out why.

“But I don’t think it’s something that can just be made to go away,” Ezio said. There were scars in him that were probably never going to fade.

Drake released a breath. “I see.” Drake went quiet for a moment, and then he tilted his head. “Maybe you should try and tell Morgyn that.”

Of course he should. He wasn’t going to get anywhere complaining to Drake, he knew that. Ezio had always known that it was Morgyn that he needed to make understand this. Drake couldn’t make Morgyn do or not do anything, any more than Ezio could. “I know that,” Ezio said, and huffed. “It’s just harder to talk to Morgyn about it, and be honest. I think Morgyn’s the only one I lie to now.”

Drake tilted his head. Ezio sat up, and started folding the blanket.

“Morgyn’s the one I’m afraid of losing the most, though. And sometimes, honesty’s just too much.”

* * *

Ezio made tea, blissfully silently, as Morgyn was still across the hall, but the blond, as Ezio suspected, didn’t stay there. Drake had needed to go out for something, so it was just him for a bit, and Ezio was enjoying the quiet.

As Ezio settled down at the dining room table with a glass of hot tea, and a book he’d read probably a thousand times already (they were like old friends, weren’t they, well-loved books?), Morgyn wandered in the door. Ezio looked up at the blond, and Morgyn wordlessly went for the coffee pot. Ezio didn’t say anything right away. Morgyn was probably not all there in the head anyway, and Ezio didn’t need to go making it worse.

Eventually, after the coffee had brewed, and Morgyn had made a cup, the blond shuffled over to the table and settled down across from Ezio. Ezio offered a smile, intending to go back to reading his book until Morgyn had woken up to some extent, but then Morgyn said something.

“Caleb said hi, by the way,” Morgyn said.

“Ah, well, tell him I said hi back,” Ezio answered. “Or I will whenever we run into each other in the hallway next. How are you guys doing, anyway?”

“Fine enough,” Morgyn said, pausing to drink some of the blond’s coffee, and set the cup back down on the table with a soft tap. “He’s really sweet, though. I guess it’s a good thing but mostly it just leaves me feeling a little befuddled.”

“Your date went okay then?” Ezio asked.

“Yeah,” Morgyn answered. “He uh. Apparently isn’t a kiss on the first date kind of guy, so he says.”

Ezio loosed a snort. Considering what kind of a person Caleb was, Ezio could believe that explanation. He probably wasn’t. “Well, for what it’s worth, I’m glad you had a good time.” It wasn’t like Ezio was concerned. This was Caleb, and Ezio didn’t trust Morgyn to anyone more than Caleb. Of course, saying that outright probably wasn’t a good idea. He didn’t need Morgyn overthinking it or asking dumb questions. Ezio didn’t want to have to think about it too much more either. It was kind of depressing, but the point was, Ezio trusted Caleb, especially with Morgyn.

Hey, Caleb had a nice track record of easily getting the idiot to eat real food. That was a very good track record to have.

“Thanks,” Morgyn answered softly. The blond seemed to debate something for a moment, and then Morgyn’s hands tightened around the coffee cup. “How did your um… your not-date go?”

Ezio snorted. It’d figure Morgyn would ask that, and it would figure Morgyn would ask that in such an uncertain manner. It wasn’t like Ezio didn’t want to share things that happened in his life with Morgyn. Morgyn was his twin, of course he did. He just… ugh, and Ezio had no idea what was wrong, and why certain things Morgyn asked and said made him fluff up like a pissy cat. Well, that was something for him to figure out, wasn’t it?

“It went,” Ezio said. “We had coffee, and she spilled her latte, and I did magic.”

“Oh no,” Morgyn said, gasping softly. “What happened, did she freak out?”

“No,” Ezio answered. “No freaking out or anything, it was just slightly tense for a moment. Then I decided to drag her back here to San My for a very impromptu meal, because I realised she probably hadn’t eaten, and that wasn’t a good thing.”

“You two went on a date – sorry, out together, at noon, and food wasn’t on the list?” Morgyn asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Hey, it wasn’t supposed to be a date,” Ezio replied. “But, for the record… I think it was.”

Morgyn blinked, eyebrows raising. “Do you?”

“I think I’m falling for her,” Ezio admitted quietly. “But you know what, I shouldn’t be.”

Morgyn made a face. “So, you have feelings, what’s wrong about that? Isn’t that a good thing? You two are getting along at least. I’m glad.”

It was complicated, and Ezio wasn’t sure how to explain it to Morgyn. It wasn’t like Ezio didn’t think he could tell Morgyn that the girl was a Goth, he just also got a bad feeling from the thought of it. Like there was a reason he shouldn’t be advertising that there was one of those around. Of course, it was curious that he got that feeling when there was absolutely no indication that he had a reason to feel that way.

Morgyn wasn’t a threat to her, Ezio knew that. If anything, Morgyn and Cassandra should probably meet eventually, not only because Ezio was getting a little closer to her, but also because Morgyn was a sage and could help Cassandra learn to control her magic, if she turned out to have it. Ezio had a hard time believing there wasn’t magic in her somewhere. Why exactly it was dormant, that was a question, but it may easily be part of the Goths’ way of protecting their children. Who was he to decide they were doing it somehow wrong?

“It’s… complicated,” Ezio said, taking a drink of his tea.

Morgyn looked a little disappointed with that answer, but simply looked down at the coffee cup.

“I don’t really understand it myself,” Ezio elaborated. He didn’t like it when Morgyn made that expression. It made his heart hurt a little. “It’s the same thing with Drake, I guess. I feel like I’m not allowed to fall for her.”

Morgyn glanced back up at him, and looked confused. “Things like that don’t work that way,” Morgyn said.

“I know that,” Ezio said. “I’m just telling you how I feel.”

The blond went quiet again, and then drew a breath in. “So, speaking of Drake, if you’re falling for her, then where does that leave you and Drake?”

Ezio shrugged a shoulder, taking a drink of tea and setting the cup down. “Drake doesn’t even like me that way,” he said. “Like I know he cares about me, it’s just not like that between us.”

Morgyn’s expression flattened. “Really?” the blond asked. “You wouldn’t be able to guess that with all the tension around here.”

“What tension?” Ezio asked. That was a strange thing to comment on. And Ezio had no idea what tension Morgyn was talking about. They weren’t fighting or anything, as far as Ezio knew. Wait, maybe he’d said something stupid last night and upset Drake or something. Drake wasn’t here right now, though, so Ezio wasn’t sure how Morgyn would’ve figured that out just walking in the door. Then again, Morgyn did tend to know things like that.

Morgyn stared at him in silence for a long moment. It almost made Ezio nervous. “You seriously don’t know what I mean?”

Ezio mutely shook his head side to side.

“I’ll show you, then,” Morgyn decided, and the blond stood up, took Ezio’s hand, and pulled him into the bedroom.

* * *

“And what exactly is the purpose of this?” Ezio asked. Morgyn had pulled a dark grey dress out of that suitcase, and something told Ezio the blond had been holding onto it for a special occasion. Apparently, today, for whatever reason, was that special occasion.

The blond had wasted no time at all in shoving it over Ezio’s head, after pulling him out of what he’d been wearing before. There’d been an awkward and slightly tense moment immediately after Morgyn had gotten his shirt over his head, because as always there was that litter of scars marring his skin, and Morgyn didn’t like seeing them. Ezio didn’t, either.

And then Morgyn fluidly went to pretending they weren’t there, and for some reason, Ezio’s heart clenched in his chest at it, and he didn’t understand why. He hated other people seeing his scars, but Morgyn wasn’t just anyone. Besides, it wasn’t as if Morgyn hadn’t seen them before. It was a weird thing to get sensitive about now, that was for sure, but maybe questioning it wasn’t a good idea right now. Morgyn seemed to be on a mission.

“I’m making a point,” Morgyn answered, fiddling with Ezio’s hair. “You may not like this point, but I suppose I should’ve calculated the risks of this one way before now, and now is a little bit too late. Anyway, here.” Morgyn turned around, and handed Ezio his makeup box. “Do the thing with the dark makeup you do. I can’t do it.”

Ezio made a face, but he took the box, and stood up, turning around to face the floor mirror. His eyes were immediately drawn to the marks on his skin, but he tried not to think about it too much. He didn’t like his scars. That’s all there was to that. As he worked his way through doing his usual makeup though, he eventually turned to look at Morgyn. “Hand me the jacket on the chair over there, please,” he asked.

Morgyn turned around, and then handed it to him. “For now,” the blond said. “You lose it later.”

“Why, exactly?” Ezio asked, taking the jacket and slipping it on over the dress. He had to admit that it was weirdly comfortable. Ezio hadn’t ever worn a dress before, mostly because he had no reason to do so, but it wasn’t unpleasant, just different. On the bright side, this was a very long dress, it went straight to the floor, and Ezio didn’t have to argue with Morgyn about his legs.

Ezio hated his legs. Since he was a dancer, and then had picked up martial arts (bad idea), he was probably about half muscle, maybe more, and a good majority of it was in his legs and his butt. So of course, his legs were big and bulky and it just wasn’t very good. He didn’t like it. And frankly, he hadn’t asked anyone else what they thought, because he didn’t care what they thought.

Well, maybe that wasn’t quite accurate. He didn’t ask most people what they thought because he didn’t care. The rest, he cared too much about.

“Wouldn’t want to ruin the whole effect,” Morgyn said, shrugging and sitting down on the edge of Ezio’s bed. “You look really good in it, just like I thought you would.”

Ezio sighed, finishing up his lipstick and making sure the colour wouldn’t bleed. “Thanks, I’m just really confused.”

“Just wait,” Morgyn said, sounding exasperated. “It’ll make sense by the end, I promise.” And then the blond made that grinning face, and Ezio released a sigh.

“You’re doing that thing again, like you’ve got an ace up your sleeve, and I don’t like it,” Ezio said.

“You’re generally not meant to,” Morgyn answered.

Ezio sighed, shaking his head, but he didn’t ask again, turning back to the mirror and focusing on getting his eyeliner right. Today was supposed to be the day he didn’t do his makeup and all of that, but he supposed there went that plan. Morgyn always did have other plans.

The blond stood up while he was working, wandering around the room behind him. Morgyn went to the jewellery box on his dresser, pulling it open and playing with some of the chains. Ezio didn’t pay it any mind until Morgyn came over to him and handed him a pair of earrings.

“These too,” the blond said.

Ezio looked down at the earrings in Morgyn’s hand. This pair were a set of long chains with a connector in the middle. One end had a sun shape, the other end had a crescent moon. Ezio took a breath in, dropping the eyeliner stick back into the makeup box, and taking the earrings. Then he worked on getting them in his ears, and set to doing his eyeshadow. Every so often, he’d glance back at Morgyn, like he was confused, and he was. Morgyn seemed to find his confusion amusing. Ezio decided not to think about it too hard.

Quietly, he got the silvery eyeshadow done, and the interesting thing was that once he was done, he found that the combination of the silvery tones of his eyeshadow, and the grey of the dress, made his eyes stand out even more than usual.

“Gorgeous,” Morgyn said, barely a whisper. “You know, I think you might be hotter than me.”

“That is weird, Morgyn,” Ezio said.

“Why is it weird?” Morgyn asked.

“We’re twins.”

“So?” Morgyn said. “Being your twin doesn’t make me blind. It’d be better without your glasses obscuring your eyes, but can’t be too picky.”

“I can’t see without them,” Ezio said, rolling his eyes.

“I know,” Morgyn answered. “But there are such things as contacts.”

Ezio could barely afford his rent, Morgyn thought he could afford contacts? He tried not to look too incredulous. Morgyn turned away too quickly to see it when he failed in that endeavour.

The front door opened. “I’m back,” Drake’s voice called, and Ezio smiled slightly. Now that Drake was here, he could help Ezio figure out what the fuck Morgyn was doing this time, because he still hadn’t figured this one out.

“Oh, there he is,” Morgyn said, closing the jewellery box and turning around, shuffling over to Ezio. Without explaining anything, Morgyn pulled the jacket back off his shoulders, and then fiddled with getting his hair to stop being so frizzy.

“That’ll never lay down right,” Ezio said.

“Probably not, no,” Morgyn answered. “I have to try, okay, out you go.” Morgyn turned Ezio around, nudging him to the bedroom door, and then opened it and pushed him a little ways out into the small hallway between the bedroom and the entry.

Ezio turned around to look at the idiot like Morgyn had done lost it, but to be honest, Morgyn had probably lost it a long time ago. Morgyn closed the door behind him, and Ezio loosed a great sigh and turned back to Drake. Who was staring at him, his mouth open just a little, one eyebrow quirked upward slightly.

“… are you okay?” Ezio asked.

“What?” Drake asked. “Me? Fine. I’m just – I’m fine. Perfectly fine should I not be fine?”

Ezio’s eyebrows drew together in concern. “Um. You should be fine, yes?”

“Where ah, where are you going?” Drake asked.

“Nowhere,” Ezio said. “Here, I think? I don’t know, Morgyn just kind of shoved me in a dress and didn’t explain anything. I guess weird things like that happen all the time, but, it was still a bit confusing.”

“Okay, uh, well I have to write so I’ll see you later,” Drake said, and then he scooted around Ezio and went for the office door.

“Wait, Drake,” Ezio protested, as he went, but Drake went in and closed the door behind him.

Now Ezio was confused. What the heck was that about? Not that he didn’t figure Drake did have things to do, he just normally didn’t blow Ezio off like that. Ezio didn’t want to admit it, even in his own head, but it sort of stung. He thought about it, for a moment, whether he should leave well enough alone, because apparently Drake wanted his peace. And then, Ezio took a breath, turned around, and opened the office door. Drake hadn’t locked it, at least. Not that it would’ve helped. The locks around here were so easy to pick you could use just about anything to do it.

“Hey, I know you said you were going to write, but, are you sure you’re okay?” Ezio asked.

“I’m fine,” Drake answered, resting one arm on the small desk.

Ezio watched him, for a moment. Strangely, Drake didn’t seem to be able to figure out where to look, his gaze darting around across the walls, but it kept going back to Ezio, too. Like he couldn’t look at him, and also couldn’t look away from him, either.

Oh god. The light probably dawned in his eyes, and Ezio opened his mouth, and then closed it. And then he turned away. “Okay,” he said, and he left the office and closed the door behind him. What was he supposed to do with that? Drake was attracted to him, after all. Ezio had no idea why, it was just like something had suddenly violently shifted and he didn’t know how to feel about it.

Morgyn popped the bedroom door open, and scuttled out. “See?” the blond said. “He likes you.”

Ezio stared at the idiot for a moment, like he wasn’t sure how to take that either. That was all just too much. “Yeah,” Ezio whispered. “I see.”

And then he moved around Morgyn, into his room, and shut the door.

* * *

That was harder to deal with than he’d expected. Ezio paced around his room, slightly. It was a fairly large room, all things considered, but he couldn’t really decide if it was large because it was just large, or because there was practically nothing in it. He supposed it didn’t matter either way, and probably, he simply didn’t want to think about this right now, so he was thinking about literally anything else.

Drake was always the safe one. It was hard to explain, but, when everyone else seemed to have ulterior motives for being nice to him, Drake never did. It wasn’t like he thought suddenly that had changed, or something, it was just that… agh, he had no idea. Honestly, Ezio had no idea why this was so difficult a thing to realise. Maybe because he couldn’t keep using Drake doesn’t like me as an excuse to hide his feelings or, maybe because this made things more complicated than he’d like them to be, or… or maybe because it changed how he saw Drake.

God that sounded stupid even in his own head. Somewhere amid him pacing around, Morgyn opened the bedroom door, and closed it softly. The blond watched him pace around for a moment, and then moved around him to sit down on his bed again.

“So, what’s wrong?” Morgyn asked. “I don’t understand, I thought you’d be happy about this.”

Ezio snorted. “I mean, I kind of did, too, like, you know my lifelong crush apparently also has a crush on me, that’s good, right?” Then why didn’t it feel that way? He had no idea. It didn’t actually change anything, at least, he didn’t think it did. “I just. I didn’t know. Obviously I didn’t know, and he’s been the only one that didn’t see me that way for so long, kind of like that safe friend that you know is very gay, and you’re not a girl, right? Or whatever. Does that even make any sense? It’s like when I don’t want anything to be awkward I can always go to him, and… I mean it’s not like suddenly everything changes and he gets dangerous out of nowhere just because apparently he is actually attracted to me it’s just…”

He had too many experiences with people that were exactly like that, he supposed, and it was some sort of a trauma response. That was all he could figure. Which, that wasn’t Drake’s fault, it was just that he’d stepped in it on accident, and maybe after France this was to be expected. Ezio just felt it and also felt like he was being terribly unfair at the same time. Drake wasn’t any of those other people. He knew Drake. He knew Drake, in ways that he’d probably never know anyone else.

What the hell was he so afraid of?

What the hell wasn’t he so afraid of?

“Nothing changed, Ezio,” Morgyn said. “You’re right about that. Drake didn’t magically turn into someone else. It’s just now you know things you didn’t before.”

“I know that,” Ezio said, still pacing around the room. “But I’m not necessarily going to not freak out about it, because something I thought I knew isn’t right and I based a good deal of our relationship on it. He was my rock, Morgyn, for a long time.” It wasn’t as if he couldn’t be, now.

“You’re just being dramatic,” Morgyn said. “He’s not going to suddenly start treating you any different, and your relationship doesn’t have to change if you don’t want it to, I guess.”

“No, you don’t get it,” Ezio said, the frustration coming out in his tone. “I know nothing really changes. It just feels like it does. I think I have to get used to this change in perception.”

“Oh don’t be silly, it’s all in your head,” Morgyn answered. “You’re being ridiculous Ezio, it’s the same Drake that you had yesterday.”

His heart squeezed in his chest. Ezio screwed his eyes shut, and shook his head. “Just, never mind.” Ezio wasn’t sure, in times like these, when he tried to explain these things to Morgyn, whether it was him that was the problem, or if maybe the problem lie in Morgyn. He’d never wonder those sorts of things out loud, because he didn’t want to hurt Morgyn.

Even if it was all in his head, did that really make it any less real?

Morgyn sighed, shifting slightly to cross one leg over the other. “Ezio, look, it’s 2019, okay? At some point you’ve gotta stop letting Jean make your decisions for you.”

Ezio stopped pacing, staring at the wall, for a moment. What did Morgyn just say? Ezio turned around, his expression flat. “What did you say?” he asked, barely above a whisper.

“I just think you’re letting things that happened a long time ago affect you too much, that’s all,” Morgyn said, shrugging one shoulder. “We’re not there anymore, you know? Jean is gone, Ezio.”

Yeah, maybe. Maybe he was letting things that were long over make his decisions for him, and maybe he was being overdramatic, and maybe there was a part of him that was afraid to stop hurting and be happy because he hadn’t ever spent a second of his life not being in pain and he didn’t know what to do without it. Yeah. Maybe that was it. Morgyn had all the answers, wasn’t that right?

Well, Morgyn tried to tell him how to do pretty much everything else. How to process his own trauma seemed to be on the list, too.

Ice shot across the floor, crackling and snapping up the walls, coating the paint in swirls of frosted crystals. Ezio’s vision blurred, but he didn’t pay it any mind, holding one hand out and magically yanking the door open. The ice groaned and screamed, and then shattered from the force, and the door jerked open, slamming into the wall behind and cracking the ice against it. “I’d suggest you stay with Caleb tonight,” Ezio said, his voice still not very loud.

Morgyn seemed to have figured out that was the wrong thing to say. “Ezio, I didn’t mean it that way -“

“I said go,” Ezio interrupted.

“Ezio I’m sorry -“

“GET OUT!” The ice shot up the walls the rest of the way, crashing into the ceiling and raining crystals onto the ice on the floor.

Morgyn wordlessly stood up, kicked the blond’s suitcase to free it from the ice, picked it up, and walked out.

Ezio waved his hand and slammed the door behind the idiot, and then instantly regretted it. He almost walked across the ice, after Morgyn, to say that he was sorry, that he overreacted, because he didn’t like any mention of Jean at all, and definitely not in that context… but his heart hurt too much, and the end result was, he stared at the door, and did nothing at all. Then the tears became hard to ignore, and Ezio fell to his knees on the ice, and cried.

* * *

“I shouldn’t have said that.”

Morgyn sat curled up on the couch, clinging to a pillow and rocking slightly. The blond probably could’ve gone to the Casa di Colori a little early, something told Morgyn that Brandon wouldn’t have minded that, but after that particular event, Morgyn kind of needed Caleb anyway. He always seemed to know what to say, even when it felt like everything was falling apart, and Ezio would never forgive Morgyn for that line, and what exactly had made Morgyn think that was a good comparison?

The blond loosed a very upset noise, head dropping onto the pillow, and curled up even tighter.

Caleb released a sigh, shuffling over to kneel down beside the couch. “No, you probably shouldn’t have said that,” he said. “But you did, and you can’t take it back.”

Morgyn whimpered again, turning to look at him. “He’s never going to talk to me again,” the blond said. “I mean I didn’t make him mad, Caleb, I saw it in his eyes, he was hurt, not angry.”

“Of course he was,” Caleb said. “You and I both know that whatever did happen in France, and I’ve got a few guesses as to what that might be, it had a lot to do with Jean Dussault.”

Morgyn shifted and dropped into the pillow several times. “Why did I say that?” the blond asked, muffled of course in the pillow.

“Because you have a nasty habit of saying things before you’ve thought them through all the way,” Caleb said.

Morgyn’s whimper probably said exactly how the blond felt about that assessment. He wasn’t wrong. That was such a stupid thing to say, just in general. And Morgyn didn’t like thinking about it too much, but there were a few ways that mess in France could’ve gone that would make saying specifically that at the time that the blond had probably the worst idea possible.

How was it that Morgyn was always just missing him? It was like the more Morgyn tried to hold onto Ezio, the more Morgyn lost him. It was always like this. From the time he came to magic realm from France, through the centuries to now. Ezio always felt like he was just steadily slipping through Morgyn’s fingers and the blond couldn’t keep hold of him, and trying… just seemed to hurt him.

Morgyn hated it.

“What am I gonna do?” Morgyn asked. The blond didn’t really expect Caleb to have an answer, but maybe he did. He was better at this sort of thing than Morgyn was, anyway.

Caleb sighed again, reaching over and resting a hand on Morgyn’s. “You should apologise, to start with,” he said. “But for right now, give him some space, let him calm down a little, and maybe have some tea.”

Morgyn released a sigh, head turning on the pillow to look at him. “I don’t know if he’s ever going to forgive me.”

“Yeah, he will,” Caleb said. “You’re you, and he’s him.”

“Glad someone’s got some faith in this,” Morgyn grumbled. “I still don’t even understand the actual problem we were talking about in the first place.”

Caleb tilted his head. “What were you talking about?”

“Ezio apparently had no idea Drake has a thing for him,” Morgyn said. “Like, that he’s attracted to him. I don’t know, he was kind of speaking nonsense, but he said something about how his perception changed so he has to change how he thinks or something like that. I didn’t really get it. It’s the same as it was yesterday, it’s just that now he knows something he didn’t before.”

Caleb made a face. “You’re not really listening to him, then.”

“What?” Morgyn asked. “Of course I am!” It was just that Ezio didn’t make any fucking sense. How was Morgyn supposed to make anything right if he didn’t understand it in the first place? And Ezio always got so angry when Morgyn tried to ask other questions and pose ideas, like the blond didn’t understand. And then Ezio didn’t want to explain it and so Morgyn still didn’t get it.

“No, I don’t think you are,” Caleb said. And the only reason Morgyn didn’t slap him was because he didn’t sound patronising, probably. But Caleb never did. “I don’t think he wants you to fix anything, Morgyn.”

“What? Then why talk about it?” Morgyn asked. “Isn’t that the whole point of talking about things, finding solutions and making things right?”

Caleb released a sigh. “Sometimes, Morgyn, people just want to talk.”

Well that seemed like a waste of time. Morgyn couldn’t understand the purpose to just talking about things that caused someone trouble or pain without the intent to fix that thing. And if you couldn’t fix that thing, wasn’t it a better idea to just ignore it? There were bunches of other things to do besides wallow and hurt yourself, right? Why would someone purposely focus on something that hurt them?

“I don’t get it,” Morgyn said.

Caleb drew another breath in, and then said, “People don’t always want fixes, Morgyn. They just want to know that someone’s listening, and someone cares. I know you want to fix it. It’s valid. But that isn’t what Ezio wants. He doesn’t want anything to be fixed at all, maybe he even knows how to fix it himself. He just wants to be heard. That’s it. You don’t have to fix anything. Just listen.”

That sounded so stupid. Maybe it was for the best that Morgyn was having this discussion with Caleb, and not Ezio, because Morgyn would’ve likely told Ezio outright that it was stupid and that was a waste of time. “That’s such a waste of time.”

Caleb shook his head. “It’s how some people process things, Morgyn,” he said, his tone gentle. “Some people need to say things to understand them. Need to… to talk through their problems, because in talking through them, they manage to work them out, too. Other times, maybe they need to feel like someone cares, or someone else understands what they’ve gone through and experienced. There are a lot of reasons why someone might want to talk things out instead of cut straight to dealing with a problem. It doesn’t mean that they’re wrong, or that you are. It only means that you deal with things in different ways, and if it works for you, then, that’s good, there’s no reason to change that. But you must understand that it doesn’t work for everyone. And most importantly, right now, it doesn’t work for Ezio. Maybe he’s just felt alone for so long that the only way he can heal now is not to feel alone anymore.”

“He isn’t,” Morgyn said. “I’m right here, he’s got Drake -“

“That’s not what I mean,” Caleb said. “Have you ever… you ever been around a lot of people, there’s this room full of people, and still felt alone and isolated?”

Morgyn didn’t say anything, but the way Caleb looked at the blond said that nothing needed to be said.

“See? That’s what it means to feel alone emotionally. Everyone does eventually. Everyone deals with it differently, and for some, talking about things that hurt them with others and feeling like someone else hears and understands, that helps.”

Morgyn wasn’t sure what to do with that. How was the blond supposed to just listen without trying to fix things? That was what Morgyn did, Morgyn fixed things, if something was wrong, it got fixed, and Morgyn moved on. Obviously that wasn’t what Ezio wanted Morgyn to do, so even though Morgyn didn’t necessarily understand the hows and whys, maybe trying to figure out how to respond the way Ezio needed, maybe that would help them both, and Morgyn can stop hurting Ezio’s feelings on accident.

“How do you -“

“Listen, and not try to fix things?” Caleb asked.

“Yeah,” Morgyn said, nodding. “I don’t know how.”

Caleb smiled. “Well, first of all, remember that the conversation isn’t about you. Even if you would handle something differently, even if you’ve got thoughts about something, even if you see something differently, that’s not the important part, and it doesn’t have a place in this situation. There are other things to say, like, saying that you understand why he feels like that, or you can see why he’d do what he did. Even if you don’t see it at all. Don’t ask him to explain it to you, because it will probably trigger the analytic side of your brain and then you’re right back where you normally get and you’re trying to fix it again. Just let him decide what he’s going to say and when.

“And unless he literally says to you, ‘What do you think?’ or ‘What would you do?’ don’t offer either of those. Listening is actually very difficult, it’s a skill you can learn, and what matters is the other person knowing that you’re understanding what they’re trying to tell you. Even if it’s something so simple as ‘Wow that sounds really hard,’ that can make a world of difference. If you do ask questions, keep them open. Things like ‘Then what?’ and ‘How’d you feel about that?’ you know? Things that you aren’t asking because you want a specific answer back, and are just invitations for him to keep talking. And, be careful of reacting emotionally. It can be hard to listen to, and if he ever does tell you about France, it will be tough to hear. But you can’t turn the tables and make it about you. Did that make any sense?”

Morgyn thought about it, for a moment. It sounded like it’d be a difficult thing to get used to, but if Morgyn ever wanted to truly help Ezio in the way that Ezio needed that help, then the blond would have to figure it out. And besides, maybe Caleb communicated that way, too. Morgyn would have to learn it so that when something was bothering Caleb, he’d come to the blond and talk about it. It wasn’t like Morgyn didn’t want to know these things, anyway.

“Yeah,” Morgyn answered softly. “I think it did. Thank you.”

“Hey, chin up,” Caleb said, reaching over to the coffee table and picking up the glass of tea, handing it to Morgyn. “This is Ezio. He’ll forgive you.”

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